Articles – Page 2 – Internet Safety for Kids

The ABC Guide – B -Behavior

adminkc Articles October 21, 2020January 25, 2021abc of parenting, child behavior modification, parenting styles

ABC Guide – B -Behavior – Clearly define it! Be specific. Don’t just say, “She’s acting up.” Break it down and tell me more. How is she acting up? Crying, sulking, yelling, slamming doors, arguing? This lets you (and her) know exactly what behavior you want to change.

WHY: You also have to analyze why your child is acting unfavorably and customize the consequence.

ABC Guide – B -Behavior

Example 1: When volunteering in a first grade classroom I observed a substitute teacher playing a game with the kids. One of the kids was sitting on her desk and wouldn’t co-operate when the teacher asked her to sit in her chair. The reply was, “I can’t. My binder is on my chair.” The teacher finally tried the ‘ignore her’ route.

In the meantime, since the kid realized she didn’t have to obey the teacher, she started lying across the desk, wiggling around and making noise. So I wandered over, removed the binder from the chair and said, “bottom on the chair.” The kid tried to ignore me, but I pulled the chair out, put my hand on her legs to cue her to move them off the desk and firmly but calmly held my ground.

I repeated, “bottom on the chair.” After ten seconds, she complied.

Mind you, this was not a kid I knew. I was simply volunteering at my kid’s school on this particular day, so I wasn’t in my speech therapist costume. I didn’t have a lick of authority with this child other than what I walked into the room with as ‘someone’s mommy.’ But she still listened. Why? Because her motivation was simply “I’m going to do what I want; apparently this teacher doesn’t care!” So when I demonstrated that I DID care and insisted she sit, she did it. End of story.

Example 2: I was in a therapy session with a first grade group of four. One kid in particular kept popping all over the place, forcing me to cue him over and over, “Bottom on the chair, feet on the floor.” When I asked a question like, “Name four fruits for me, John,” he’d smirk and pipe back, “Uumm. . . strawberries and. . . pizza!” The first go round I said, “John, look at me. I’m not smiling.

That’s not funny.” Then I shifted my focus to the next kid. The reason I did that was because I thought his motivation was attention. I was right. He stopped trying to be funny. However, when it was his turn to answer a question again, he was quiet. So I had to reassess why. I had already nixed the attention, so I moved on to another guess: comprehension.

In order to ferret it out, I backed up my question and gave him cues to figure out the answer. He got it right and smiled sincerely.

So overall, this kid was acting up because he didn’t actually know four fruits and had no idea how the heck to answer my question. He covered it up by acting out and trying to be funny, but his motivation was also for attention. The other kids got positive attention with ‘nice answer’ or ‘gimmie five!’ John only knew how to get negative attention. He didn’t know how to say, “I’m not sure” or “I need help.”

Figure out your ‘WHY’ my friend. Then approach the behavior from different angles to tackle that motivation.

The ABC Guide – C-Consequence

adminkc Articles October 21, 2020January 25, 2021abc of parenting, behavior modification, discipling children

ABC Guide – C-Consequence. What happens after the behavior? Consequences serve to either reinforce (R) or punish (P) the behavior. The event should be clearly defined; exactly what did you do after the behavior?

ABC Guide – C-Consequence

Example:

A = Antecedent: You ask Ryan to shut the door. He goes over to the bookshelf instead. You walk over, gently put your hand on his elbow, and guide him back to the door to shut it.

B = Behavior: Ryan tries to run from you.

C = Consequence: You can:

(‘R’ Reinforce) Give up, yell, spank or chase
(‘P’ Punish) Grab or block him, and provide physical prompts to shut the door.

Consequence #1 reinforces the running, an undesired behavior. Bad! When you reinforce, kids will continue the behavior. If you give in and don’t make him shut that door, you clearly reinforce the running away from you. The running will also be reinforced if you give it negative attention by yelling, spanking, or chasing. Other forms of negative attention would include engaging the child in an argument, lecturing, or getting all mushy because the kid is crying (making you feel like a bad parent). In all of these cases, Ryan could delay the task or wouldn’t have to close the door at all. The behavior worked, and by golly, he’ll do it again.

So go the other route. Consequence #2 punishes the behavior and decreases the likelihood of recurrence because the child gets nothing out of it. When he attempts to run, yet you still make him do what is asked, guess what? The behavior doesn’t work for him. He still has to shut the door.

We’re not going to chase that kid all over creation, but we’re damn sure going to grab him and make sure he goes back and does what we ask. Calmly and silently herd him to a spot where he can’t get away. Gently but firmly, physically make him go and close that door. The more we chase, argue back, lecture, explain, or otherwise give the behavior attention, the more we’re reinforcing the nonsense and encouraging them to keep it up. So we have to ‘punish’ the behavior and react differently.

This is a new way to look at what we caregivers think about as ‘punishment.’ For our purposes, punishment is not harsh, demeaning, or disrespectful. It is simply a term to define a calm and peaceful reaction that decreases undesired behavior.

Consider it written in stone:

Reinforcement (R) = Increases behavior

Punishment (P) = Decreases behavior

Best Cyber Safety for Kids

adminkc Articles September 28, 2020January 22, 2021Cyber Safety for Kids

Cyber Safety for Kids

As a parent, you must be aware of what your kids are doing online. It is the only way for keeping kids safe on the internet. If you are not aware of the online dangers, the internet can be a minefield of risks for your kids.

You may think that the best way, to ensure cyber safety and to protect your children from online hazards is to stop them from using the internet directly. It is always better to make your kids cyber smart instead of being cyber ignorant.

Kids need the necessary skills to use the internet safely and securely. So, when you are not around, and your kids are at school or with some of their friends, they may fall prey to undesirable things that can be avoided by proper education.

Cyber Safety for Kids

Here are some of the ways to make sure that your kids are safe:

Be around

It is always better to be around when kids are using the internet. Locate the computer in a ‘family’ room, avoid bedrooms of children or isolated places where it’s hard for you to keep an eye on them. Keep moving in and out of the room when children are on the internet.

Set the rules

Before kids are allowed to use the internet, set the rules like no emailing, no chatting, no undesirable visiting sites, not engaging with unknown persons, etc.

Also, make them understand that if they break the rules, then they won’t be allowed to use the internet.

Get involved

Keep yourself engaged with children – “like” the sites they “like”. Also, keep a watch on the history of the browser window, to know what they are seeing online.

Use filtering software/ apps

There are application/ software available that can prevent your kids from sharing their contact details, addresses and telephone numbers.

Talk to your children as to why it is important not to share the contact information with unknown persons.

There are also filters available that can prevent children from accessing undesirable content, visiting unprotected sites, etc.

Be sensitive

Be sensitive to the age and immaturity of the kids and be patient while dealing with issues. Children, especially teenage girls and boys, can get lured to meet strangers after chatting with them online.

Make your kids understand not to meet with any stranger after talking online.

Be firm

It is always better to be firm than be sorry later. Tell kids clearly not to share any personal information, including credit card details online and not to make an online payment or commit to make a payment without your permission.

If you follow the above simple but time tested rules and internet safety facts, you can be sure that your kids will be able to use the internet safely, and will also be able to reap the benefits of using the internet.

How to Prevent Cyber bullying

adminkc Articles September 27, 2020January 22, 2021How to Prevent Cyber bullying

How to prevent Cyber Bullying is very much the roll of parents being vigilant.

Cyber bullying Definition

It is the use of electronic communication to bully a person, typically by sending messages of an intimidating or threatening nature.

How to Prevent Cyber bullying, facts highlight that imagination and technology mostly provide the content for such crimes. Sadly it is often children using mobiles and computers who become the victim. Children may be reluctant to admit to being the victim of such activity.

If parents try to place criminal charges against such people, in most cases, the charges get terminated when the ISP (Internet Service Provider) and IM (Instant Message) accounts are closed down.

Nowadays a significant amount of information is available on the internet as well as shared by school authorities regarding ways to tackle a cyber bully. Today web parental control is essential keep kids safe. Every parent should be aware of the following tips to make their kids cybersmart…

How to Prevent Cyber bullying

Keep track of the sites that are being visited by your child so that you know how safe your child is and prevent it from happening.

Convince your kids to never share their passwords with anyone as this can be dangerous and their accounts may get misused.

Advise them to share personal information with only the people they know personally and never over the internet. Information such as a mobile number or an e-mail address sent online can be used by cyber bullies to send messages to others without their knowledge.

Tell your kids to immediately report and block anyone trying to bully them over the internet on social networking sites.

Tell them to avoid people who are trying to intimidate them. They should not try to fight back internet bullies by becoming a bully themselves as that is no solution to the problem.

Keep an eye on their online friends on various social networking sites and try to find out if they know them well.

Identify what your children like to do and help them to hone their skills in it. Their pride and confidence will stop others from picking on them and assist them to ignore the bullying if it ever happens.

Help them believe that they can take you into confidence about everything irrespective of being right or wrong.

Try to convince your child to spend more time with family and friends in real life rather than in front of a screen.

Cyber bullying is a mixture of many things around your child. Try to understand the environment your child experiences at school and stay in touch with the principal, teachers, and counselors.

Almost every week there is a report of cyber bullying. Even celebrities and school administration are regularly crusading against this social issue. But the best option for every parent is to educate their kids about the problem so that it can be nipped in the bud before it occurs. That is, to make your kid cyber smart.

Get a Dialogue Going

adminkc Articles September 21, 2020February 18, 2021Get a dialogue going

You have to let your kids express their feelings and guide them through upsets. Get a Dialogue Going, now I’m not talking about getting all mushy, here. But kids have to be able to tell you they’re mad and you have to be able to accept it. You may disagree so much that you think they’re on Pluto, but you have to talk them through it. “Look, I understand that you’re upset with me because I won’t let you go to your friend’s house.

But I’ve told you three times that your room needs to be cleaned, so you’ve had plenty of notice and plenty of time to do it. You’ve just chosen not to. That is your choice, but when it comes time to do something you want, you have to understand that your prior choices may get in the way.”

Explain your side calmly and logically. Just don’t hog the conversation, because this isn’t a lecture series starring Mom and Dad. This is a session of getting things on the table and working through choices your children make, actions they take, and what happens after. Listen to them as well. Let them talk, don’t interrupt and hear what they’re saying.

Part of it is that they just want you to understand their point of view. My friend Katherine has a stubborn streak and although she was a sweet child, she was sometimes defiant with her parents. She wasn’t trying to be a toot. She just wanted them to understand her point of view (and agree).

If you aren’t agreeing with your kids, they think you clearly don’t understand where they’re coming from and need persuading! Obviously this is an immature point of view, but they are immature! They’re supposed to feel this way. It’s your job to guide them through it, get them past the egocentric view and make them see the other side of the coin.

Another way to get a dialogue going is simply to explain situations to arguing kids. Sometimes they will quarrel and it takes your explanation to get their head wrapped around a different point of view. I find that children will often ask questions to clarify or understand the other child. Or they simply want to vent about the irritating behavior. Give honest, matter-of-fact answers and solutions.

Get a Dialogue Going

Here’s an ABC:

A = You’re driving in the car with your two children. Elizabeth is blabbering nonstop, irritating Anna.

B = Anna barks, “Stop yelling in my ear!” – Elizabeth shoots back, “I wasn’t yelling!”

C = You can:

R = scold them both to hush OR
P = Explain to Elizabeth, “Anna feels like you’re yelling in her ear. You need to use a quieter voice. ” And Anna, when you’re frustrated with Elizabeth, tell her, “My ears are sensitive today and I need some quiet. Could you please use a quieter voice?” “Now, both of you apologize.”

Review: What Did We Learn?

How to use task analysis to increase cooperation.

Five types of prompts and how to use them: Verbal, Modeling, Gesture, Physical, and Visual.

Six ways to increase trust, security, and control:

Start with Respect
No Yelling or Lectures
Model Desirable Behaviors
Provide Structure and Routine
Repetition of Rules
The Two Rules of Engagement

Don’t send kids to school with baggage.

Chores and expectations build character and independence.

Why having a dialogue is important.

Specific Behaviors, What to Do

adminkc Articles September 21, 2020January 24, 2021behavior modification, Specific Behaviors, What to Do

Specific Behaviors. When dealing with kids who constantly argue with you, here’s the thing: they need more “No’s.” They argue because you cave too much. Kids need gentle but firm “No’s.” They obviously don’t know how to deal with not getting their way, so they need more practice!

This is not to say that you need to be a tyrant. I’ve seen this as well, and it’s dense thinking. The parent assumes he’s the big man on campus and bosses the kid around, arguing about everything. The intent is to cow the kid and let them know who is boss. This doesn’t create respect and harmony – it creates a parent that’s an ass.

Specific Behaviors

Creating Authority

You must have calm but firm authority. No yelling and no getting frustrated – because that’s their goal! Losing control most likely means you’ll give up. But as I’ve said, kids want to have limits and boundaries.

It makes them feel safe. So you have to change YOU. You have to change the way you react to what they say and do.

Express gratitude and pleasure when your children do something right and completely change your reaction when they do something wrong.

Take a firm, authoritative, calm stance.

For example, as a substitute teacher, I don’t want to charge into the school and be a meanie. But what if a kid is climbing on the lunch table? What are my choices?

“Oh, silly, you’re climbing on the table!” versus “Really? Get down.” The first is not going to work. The second works without being harsh or disrespectful.

Don’t let this stuff slide and don’t ignore it because you don’t want to seem mean. What’s mean about teaching kids manners and respect? Stay calm, matter-of-fact, and authoritative. “Bottom on the chair, feet on the floor.” That’s all there is to it. Tap them on the leg with a physical cue if needed, but beyond that, the kid is getting their hunky butt off the table!

It’s like pouring a glass of milk. You don’t hesitate doing that, do you? No! You get your glass, open up the milk, and pour it in. Assume an authoritative role and act like the decision is as easy as pouring milk. They will get off the table and they will sit appropriately. Period. It’s not a big deal to stop acting like a monkey. They can do it, and they will live!

Don’t give into Immediate Gratification

adminkc Articles September 21, 2020January 25, 2021child behavior modification, Immediate Gratification, parental controls, screen time

Do not give in to immediate gratification. Our intent is to make our kids comfortable and happy, but we are actually making their future much, much harder.

My friends and I often discuss the “everyone gets the same” phenomenon that’s sweeping our communities. In an effort to protect fragile self-esteems, every child must be recognized, everyone gets a trophy, and everyone wins. Please tell me how the heck it builds self-esteem when your child gets things she does not deserve!

Immediate Gratification

That is not pouring concrete and letting it set, creating a strong foundation of self-worth, drive, and motivation. That is loading up a sundae with whipped cream. And guess what? Not only is it unhealthy, but it melts!! It looks awfully high at first, but it lasts all of five minutes before turning to mushy goo.

My neighbor Cheryl is one of the most put-together, secure, and confident people I know. She is always laughing, positive, and happy, but also very focused and strict, in an incredibly loving way. Her daughter is in fifth grade and plays basketball. During one game, her daughter decided to zone on her shoes instead of the game, gave no effort at all, and even stomped her foot when the ball was stolen from her. After the game (which her team lost), the coach followed his tradition of giving each player a star pin: Best Effort, Best Running, Most Points, etc. Well, Cheryl had to bite a hole through her lip as her daughter got a star for Best Sportsmanship.

As soon as they got into the car after the game, Cheryl turned around and faced her child. “Do you really think you put forth any effort or sportsmanship during that game? Do you think stomping your foot earns you that star?” Her daughter didn’t even think hard before replying, “No ma’am.” So Cheryl said, “Give me that star. Next practice, you are returning it to Coach and telling him you didn’t earn it.”

Cheryl held her ground and consistency, making her daughter give it back at the next practice. And did the Coach coo, “Oooh, it’s okay, honey, you’ll earn it next time” Nope. He backed Cheryl up and told her daughter, “You are right to give this back. You didn’t earn it.”

So get rid of the TV, the latest coveted war game, the trophies for simply showing up at a track meet, and any soppy attitude. When you make your child earn what he wants, you are giving a tremendous gift.

You create a strong, independent, driven person. I know we enjoy indulging our children, but we confuse this with love. It is not love. It’s harmful and doesn’t meet their needs. I know you know it. You can see it in their behavior.

Do the right thing. Meet your children’s needs. Teach real love, respect, and responsibility. Give your child a true sense of self-esteem and self-worth. There may be a few tears and pain now, but if you wait until they have to learn this on their own, the pain will be one hundred times greater. For you and them.

8 Tips to Effectively Limit Children’s Screen Time

adminkc Articles September 1, 2020January 22, 2021Effectively Limit Children's Screen Time

Part of the challenge in raising children in today’s world includes balancing screen time with their other activities. Most parents have to deal with taming temper tantrums and tears when they try to Effectively Limit Children’s Screen Time.

This doesn’t have to be the case especially if parents arm themselves with information about digital devices and their effects on children, as well as employ some strategies when enforcing these rules.

The trick is, to have the child develop some ‘kid control’ when it comes to screen time. Meanwhile, it’s up to us parents to have some parental control in place to limit screen time.

It should be clear to the kids that if they want to use their computer again, they should comply when they’re asked to take time off the computer. Be firm with the limit and don’t be swayed by iPad tantrums.

Effectively Limit Children’s Screen Time – According to Age

Time a child needs for the use of a digital device depends on their age. Other factors such as family preferences, time spent watching TV, school and outdoor activities, and behavior are also taken into consideration by some parents when they decide how much time their kids should spend in front of their iPad – tablet.

Infants

Infants’ exposure to digital devices needs to be minimum. For this age group, 10 to 15 minutes is the advised maximum time spent in front of a computer or mobile device screen.

Toddlers and Preschoolers

A variety of physical and outdoor activities have more positive impact on the growth and learning process of toddlers and preschoolers. Thus, 30 minutes of supervised computer time should be more than enough.

Grade School

A maximum of 30 to 45 minutes of computer time on top of important school assignments or projects should suffice for this age group.

Middle School

An hour during weekdays and perhaps a bit longer than that during weekends is suggested for those in junior high or middle school. Additional time on the computer is fine if they need it for a school activity or project.

High School

A maximum of two hours a day of screen time with some hours added for homework or online learning gets suggested for high school students.

Enforcing the Time Limit

It is necessary to build a relationship where trust and communication are important while kids are still young. Especially it is of utmost importance, when it comes to their computer habits, as this will help both parents and children later on as they grow older.

Here are some tips to help you in enforcing these time limits…

Allow children to learn that balancing screen time on their own is as much their responsibility as it is for their parents to enforce.
Get familiar with your iPad, tablet or computer’s – parental controls time limits that are available in the software. Aside from letting you create user profiles for each member of the family using the computer, these controls also let parents set the time for computer use.
Explore options which shut off the monitor to limit computer use. However, this might be left as a last resort option since there will be no time to save whatever you’re doing.
Use a timer, especially one that shows the remaining time.
Instead of an alarm, you can make a playlist of your children’s favorite songs that is equal to the amount of screen time they get. When the music stops, they’ll know their time is up.
Go old-school with paper and pen and make a chart where the computer time gets indicated for each child. A visual reminder will help prevent arguments on whose turn it is on the computer.
Minutes before their time is up, let the kids know how much time they have left. You will find that managing their expectations is an easier task compared to taming temper tantrums. Timers and clocks are also helpful visual clues, especially for younger kids.
Set a reasonable time with the iPad for kids to know what to expect, especially if they are doing an activity that is relevant to their school work. This will prevent frustration from not being able to finish a game or assignment because they have already reached their limit.

Knowing when to be flexible is an important skill when raising children. Allow for some flexibility such as letting them carry over unused computer time to a day when they want to spend more time on the computer on the weekend.

Older kids will appreciate this especially if they have a favorite game that they want to devote more time on.

Whining

adminkc Articles August 21, 2020January 27, 2021Whining

“Noooooouh! I don’t want thaaauuut! I want the purple shirrrt!” Wah, wah, wah. I swear I don’t want to hear ONE more whiney thing in this house. Mercy, the headaches are fierce when facing the beds you’ve made by spoiling your kids.

Whining

So first up is to stop spoiling. Pretty darn simple!! Stop buying the kid every doggone thing she wants, stop rushing in to save her every time she makes a doggone squeal of pain, and stop fluttering around meeting her every teeny, tiny, doggone demand and want. “Oooh, gosh, you don’t want this chicken, and you don’t like these green beans?

Here, I’ll make you some macaroni instead! Good grief, what was Granny thinking buying you the wrong $300 electric scooter! You want the pink one instead? We’ll go get you the pink one! Then we’ll have twin scooters so your friend can ride one, too!”

People, we need to change our habits. I hopped on my husband’s butt for years about this. His reply? “But it’s my baby!” She won’t be the baby much longer! And besides, you spoil her, too! Uh huh. So okay. After you do as I say and not as I do, you’ve got two choices:

You can outright tell your child, “No whining. Use a normal voice, like this” – (Demonstrate the voice and words you want them to use.)
You can go a more pushover, non-grouchy route and say, “Wow. . . you know, I’m sure you’re trying to tell me something, but I just can’t understand when you use that voice. We’ll talk about it when you can use a normal voice.” (Again, demonstrate what you want.)

Make your choice, then wait ’em out. Go about your business and pretend you don’t hear the whining at all. You are deaf! They whine for attention or demands, so do not give any attention, and most certainly do NOT give in to the demands. When the child straightens up and decides to use a normal voice, guide your child on what to say and do instead.

And as far as me, I’ll get right on this!

Anger Issues in Children

adminkc Articles June 21, 2020January 22, 2021Anger Issues in Children

If the kid is going limp, shutting down, or firing up for battle, try something different. First, if you are acting mad, turn it off. Put on a positive, happy face so they don’t think they’re in trouble. Then make them do something physical to drain some energy: jumping jacks, kicking a soccer ball, doing sit-ups, or running laps around the yard. Say something like, “Okay, we need a break from this.

Let’s go outside and run for a bit.” Sometimes their brain gets stuck in “I’m-not-gonna-do-it” mode. So change course, redirect to something different than your original command, and zap some of their energy.

Afterward, go back to your original request. (Oops! You thought you were getting out of doing what I asked? Sorry Buck-o! That was just a diversion). Put on your grown up hat and make sure they do what you want. Set the table, make the bed, clean their room, apologize. . . whatever it is. They WILL do it!!

It actually helps your attitude when you know with absolute certainty that the kid will do what you ask. They can whine and gripe and complain all they want. So what? They are still going to do it. Knowing that, you can simply wait it out without getting exasperated.

There’s no “What do I do now?” There’s no guilt, no flip-flop, no “Should I give in, should I not give in?” Nothing. It can almost become funny because they’re flailing around, making a fuss, and totally wasting their time fighting and you know it. You can shake your head and smile at the big inside joke.

Anger Issues in Children

Now, worst case scenario: A kid absolutely refuses to cooperate, and you aren’t even able to redirect to a different task for a short diversion or energy-zapping session. So here’s what you do: wait it out. Stay calm and let them finish sulking or crying. They’ll eventually get tired. Then you can make them do what you asked.

Now, many times I’m under a time constraint. I can’t always hang out all day until they finish their anger tantrum or get bored of sitting there and decide to cooperate. In that case, I will make them do one small part of what I asked before I let them out from under my claw. I WILL take the time to make them do my smaller request.

For instance, in speech therapy, let’s say a child is throwing a fit because he wants to get back to class and get his snack. He’s ticked off at me because I’m not moving it along quick enough, so he starts knocking chairs around to make a point. I insist he push the chairs neatly back under the table before I let him go get his snack.

If I’ve got a meeting in five minutes and can’t wait him out, I will make darned sure that he pushes in at least two or three before I let him leave. (Believe it or not, this happens a lot in speech therapy because you see so many behavior issues with communication disorders.

In order to be the least bit effective in therapy, I have to maintain control over the student. Otherwise, therapy is a total waste of time. The child would figure out real quick that he can run all over me.)

For a regular old at-home scenario, suppose the request was putting away laundry. Your child has whined, fiddled and piddled, and now you’re out of time because you have to run to baseball practice. So make him fold at least two or three items before you go. No lectures, no repeating the request twelve times. Just sit there and wait. Baseball practice can stuff it. Call the coach and apologize ahead of time that you’ll be late. Then, when you get back from practice, Mister Put-Up-a-Fuss doesn’t do jack-diddly until the rest of the laundry is put away. No TV, no dinner, no games. It was his choice to be a toot and refuse to cooperate. He can live with the fact that he’s going to have to put away laundry regardless.

Don’t Send Kids to School with Baggage

adminkc Articles June 21, 2020January 22, 2021behavior chart, behavior issues, behavior problems

In the school system, you run into behavior problems. But when the system is on top of its game, the staff gets a behavior plan in place. Lots of meetings, paperwork, planning – all to ensure this kid is set up for success. Don’t Send Kids to School with Baggage.Then at the meeting with the parents, here’s what I see: parents calling their kid “stupid,” or jeering, “what’s the matter with you?” or telling the staff, “he’s not capable.”

Let’s back the truck up a moment here. Not capable? Of course he’s capable! The ones who are LESS capable are the parents. Some of these kids have diagnoses that are indicative of behavior issues. But with good teamwork and direction, it’s very manageable.

When you get the kids who are constantly in serious trouble and making horrible choices, it never fails that once you meet the parents, you realize, “Ooooh. Now I see the problem.”

Kids are a product of their environment. And (diagnosed behavioral issues aside) ninety nine percent of the time, parents are the ones making the problem. Not intentionally, of course, but they just don’t have the tools in their toolbox, or they are too caught up in themselves to notice that they’re screwing up the kid something major.

Do your part at home so you’re not sending kids to school who feel unloved, lack guidance and want boundaries and attention. It’s not solely the school system’s job to take care of it. School personnel are part of the team, yes, but it starts and ends at home.

Don’t Send Kids to School with Baggage

Chores and Expectations

Kids need chores and expectations. I constantly see moms of twelve-year-old kids still doing all the laundry, cleaning the bedroom, and scrubbing the bathroom. Are you nuts? Cut that out! You’re molding a royal attitude! Not good! I know the intention is honorable and you may have the time and desire, so no big deal, right?

Wrong! You are teaching your child that she doesn’t have to be responsible. She will eventually grow up and hit the big, bad world and all you’ve done is create an incapable human being.

Kids need to mow lawns, take out garbage, do dishes, wash laundry, keep their rooms clean, take care of the animals, make dinner – all of it. MAKE them do it!! Get a chore chart for who is responsible for what on what day. A chore chart makes life so much easier and cuts out the fights and accusations, “I did that yesterday! It’s your turn!”

I don’t know how many rounds we went through in our house over whose turn it was to feed the cat, clean the litter box, unload the dishwasher, and who already helped with laundry. It finally dawned on me that a chart with assignments would do wonders. And guess what? Not one fight since. Haaa! Miracles never cease.

Chores build character, increase independence, and reduce self-centered attitudes. Kids need jobs, responsibility, and a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Give it to them.

Dealing with Children’s Aggressive Behavior

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021ABC guide, aggression, aggressive behavior

Well, I can joke around about the whining, but dealing with children’s aggressive behavior is a different ball game. With aggression, it’s time to get serious.

If your child is acting aggressive, you must get back to the ABC basics. This behavior is not age appropriate and needs to stop. By the time they reach kindergarten, the tantrums, hitting, kicking, and attempts at aggression should absolutely be gone. In fact, I rarely see aggression in these kids unless it’s attached to a diagnosis of some sort, or it’s modeled in the home.

There may be the stray spoiled or immature (possibly born premature) child who will throw a fit or take a swing here and there, but whatever the reason, it should not be tolerated.

Dealing with Children’s Aggressive Behavior – ABC

ABC each situation and look at motivating factors. When the kid hits, he does NOT get what he wants. Period. End of story. Give him the opposite. Figure out what is going to (P) punish.

Look at how you are reinforcing the aggression and stop. The behavior is coming from somewhere and many times we have no earthly idea that we are reinforcing behavior we don’t want to see.

A woman recently wrote to me that her child was being aggressive on the school bus and the driver was threatening to kick her off. I told her that something was reinforcing the behavior. Someone had been letting her get away with this, and now it was out of control.

To address the behavior on the bus, she needed to first make sure she was totally on top of her child at home. That behavior does NOT get reinforced. Meaning, do NOT give her what she wants. She gets no attention, no talking, no feedback. Put her in a time-out if need be and make sure she gets no attention while she’s there.

Do not engage the behavior (“Honey, what’s wrong?” “Why are you kicking?” “Cut it out”). When you start a discussion with her on the behavior, you are engaging.

So don’t do it. She goes to time-out or to her room (unless that’s what she wants. . . in which case she does not get to go there), or you walk away.

If she’s throwing a fit and being aggressive because she doesn’t want to do something, then by golly, make sure she does it. If you give in at all and don’t make her do it, you reinforce the aggression. It works, and she’ll do it again. So when she’s finished with the tantrum, she still has to do the task. Period.

Just remember to let the kid calm down first. Most of the time, especially when children flip out and go into hyper-tantrum, we don’t let them finish and calm down on their own.

We get too busy going into lecture mode. Then we don’t go through with our consequence, we don’t make them complete the task that spurred the aggression, and we effectively reinforce the darn tantrum. It’s rather useless. So follow through with your consequences, and make sure the child does what was originally asked.

Parenting Plan for a Stubborn Child

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021Plan for a Stubborn Child

Stubborn Child

According to her, there are definitely not sixty minutes in one hour, her teacher absolutely has a pet alligator, and leprechauns made a mess in her classroom, they most surely did. I look at my husband in amazement and question, ‘Do I do that’? ‘I don’t do that, do I’? (I won’t comment on his reply.)

My neighbor Cheryl has a stubborn streak, often cracking me up. Her daughter, Lacy, once decided not to do the dishes, and when asked why, Lacy honestly replied, ‘I didn’t feel like it’.

Cheryl gave a wide eyed, Hhmm…., but didn’t punish Lacy. The next day after school, I happened to be in the office and noticed Lacy waiting on a chair. Apparently, Cheryl hadn’t picked her up in carpool as she normally did.

We live in a great neighborhood so I knew Lacy would be safe at school, but it was very uncharacteristic of Cheryl. So I frantically texted her, “Are you okay? Do you need me to take Lacy home?” She texted back, “Oh no. I’m just teaching her a lesson.” Twenty minutes later, Cheryl strolled into the office. When Lacy asked, “Why didn’t you pick me up on time? I’ve been waiting in the office forever!” Cheryl casually shrugged and said, “Well, I didn’t feel like it.” I caught Cheryl later and laughed. Oh my gosh, you stinker! What a great lesson! She replied, “Oh, not really. I’m just stubborn!”

Stubborn personalities can end up being very independent and creative, so you don’t want to squash it completely. Many times it is simply a matter of pointing out the behavior to the kid to teach them better communication:

When I ask you nicely to put your hair up for school and you refuse and start crying, that is being stubborn. We can discuss why you don’t want your hair up, but stomping your foot or crying is not going to make me want to hear your reasons.
Once you figure out her concerns, if they are legitimate, guide her on what to say instead. For example, “Mom, those hair bands hurt my head.”
If it’s a silly, I-just-want-it-that-way-because-I-want-it reason, then she probably needs some firmer limits. For some reason she’s getting the idea that life revolves around her and her wants. (Hhmmm. . . wonder where she got that idea?)
To set those limits, offer her a choice of two alternatives. Example: The kid is walking out the door to the park, but needs her rat-nest hair brushed. She resists and starts crying. You say, “Go get your brush so I can help you brush your hair.” She gives you a stubborn, ‘Uummnh’ with a frowny face. So you say, “You can get the brush now so I can help you, or you can stay home from the park while we brush your hair. Your choice.” (Word of warning: make sure you offer two choices you can live with or be darn sure you know which one she’ll pick.)

How to Handle a Child Temper Tantrum

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021Child Temper Tantrums, tantrum, temper tantrum

Speaking of time-out. . . Seriously, friends. A time-out? I hate to even write about time-outs for this age group. But they are still needed with severe behaviors,(Child Temper Tantrum) mainly for the kinder and first graders. However, these time-outs do not look the same as a time-out for toddlers. Sure, the child needs to be separated from the source of melee. But at this age, just tell him to go sit by himself, away from anything fun. Give him time to calm down, and when he decides he can act appropriately, ABC the behavior.

Child Temper Tantrum

Kinder kiddies are still a bit shaky on some of the finer points of appropriate versus inappropriate behavior, so they need more clear cut guidance on the basics. But other than that, choose a consequence and punish.

Make sure you assess needs. Don’t expect a time-out alone to fix the behavior. Think about the Five Basics discussed . It’s possible the child needs more modeling and guidance on how to act appropriately in that particular situation in addition to a timeout to diffuse the anger and aggravation.

As I said, sticking a child in a timeout and expecting that alone to fix the problem is like cooking only one side of a pancake and expecting it to taste good.

Needs

As a quick review, here are some basic needs that kids have, which may explain their reasons for acting out:

They want attention.
They want to be left alone.
They are unable to communicate what they want.
They want a particular object, action, person, or activity.
They don’t want a particular object, action, person, or activity.
They are tired, hungry, or over-stimulated.
They want sensory stimulation (a particular action feels good).
Big change in life: new home, new baby, family death, divorce, parent out of town, etc.
They feel insecure or out of control (emotional needs).
They are uncomfortable, sick, or hurting.
They have difficulty with transitions from one activity to the next.

Real Needs vs. Spoiled Behavior: Do not get NEEDS confused with Spoiled Behavior. There is a difference. Needs are legitimate. A child could legitimately want to see her father more because he travels. That is a need for parental attention.

Or she could legitimately not want to spend time with an unkind family member, or not want to get teeth pulled. Spoiled behavior is throwing a fit because she wants a toy or game, or does not want to do her laundry.

When considering real needs, keep in mind that kids still get overloaded, even in grade school. Go easy on the stimulus, and make sure those needs are met. When trying to decrease unwanted tantrums or aggression, you meet needs, figure out the root of the problem, and do NOT reinforce the behavior.

Yea!

Well, we’ve done it again. We’ve tackled the ins and outs of problem behavior, and we’re ready to rock ‘n’ roll. This has been a lot to take in. It differs quite a bit from toddler discipline, as it is less physical and more mental. You have to be up on those psychological sparring skills!

The simple act of trying to find a solution to your behavioral concerns is a terrific indicator of your parental awesomeness (I think I just made that word up). I know you can do this, and remember, I’m right there with you. Hugs!

Review: What did we learn?

How to decrease bossy behavior.

How to communicate with egocentric natures and encourage appropriate behavior.

How to deal with stubborn personalities.

How to curb whiny behavior.

How to deal with aggressive behavior:

ABC it.
Do not reinforce the behavior.
Look at motivating factors.
Allow time to calm down.
Follow through; make the child do what was originally asked.

What Time-Outs look like for school-aged kids.

A quick review of needs kids have and reasons for acting out.

How to differentiate real needs versus spoiled behavior.

Did I Say?

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 31, 2021Did I Say?

“Did I say”? “What did I say”? When you ask, “Did I say. . .” it cues the kid’s attention. Then you ask the second question: “What did I say”? (or something similar) to redirect. Making a child recall and repeat gets them focused on the original direction. Many times they don’t mean to disobey you, but simply weren’t paying attention or forgot your instruction. This power phrase reminds them of your rules.

Did I Say

Here are examples, along with variants:

“Did I say to buy juice for lunch”? “What did I say”? (Milk only.)
“Did I say to tap your pencil”? “What did I say”? (Quiet pencil.)
“Did I say feet go on the chair”? “Where do your feet go”? (On the floor.)
“Are those inside voices”? “What do inside voices sound like”?

Be careful with the “Did I say”? “What did I say”? power phrase. You cannot use these questions with kids who are consistently defiant, in the habit of back talk, or shoot back wrong answers for negative attention. These phrases should strictly be used with kids who have a sense of boundaries and can redirect with relative ease.

You don’t need: This power phrase keeps kids from interjecting, bothering, or getting in another’s business. Examples:

You don’t need to answer his question. He can do it himself.
You don’t need to tell him how to zip his bag. He knows how.
You don’t need to take her card and put it down (in a discard pile during a game). She’s perfectly capable of doing that all by herself.
You don’t need to see his work. Worry about your own.

We do not: If you’ve read my toddler blog, then you know this phrase should be burned into your head! It doesn’t stop with toddlers! We must constantly let kids know what is acceptable and what is not.

If you don’t tell them, they won’t know!! “We do not hit others”. “We do not throw food.” “We do not talk back”. “We do not call people names.” “We do not touch other people’s things”. This goes on forever.

You may/can: If possible, follow up “we do not'” with what you want to see instead. “We do not yell out the car window. You can talk to your friend when we get back home”. Or, “We do not shoot spit wads. Use your straw to drink”.

It gets to be a major drag if all you do is say, “We do not” all the time. So give an alternative acceptable behavior. This will direct behavior to what you WANT to see and keep you from sounding negative all the time.

Power Phrases – Examples

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 31, 2021Power Phrases

Examples of Power Phrases:

I didn’t ask for a comment. I asked you to put away your backpack.
That’s not what I asked. I asked if you finished your project.
Not your turn. Let John finish talking.
I need quiet feet, quiet mouths.
(I need/want) hands to yourself.
It’s not time to watch TV. It’s time for homework.
Don’t worry about what she’s doing.
She doesn’t have to stop singing. You have a choice to leave.
It’s okay if he leaves his lunchbox there. It’s not hurting you.
Did I say get out a game? What did I say? (Clean up.)
You don’t need three pieces of pizza. Start with one.
We do not feed the dog ‘people’ food. You may give her a dog treat.
We do not say hurtful things to others and make them cry. (This one would get a severe consequence from me. Just saying. . .)

Power actions are specific actions you take to redirect, de-escalate the behavior and provide guidance on how to handle each situation. Power actions require more hands on work than power phrases, and are generally used when behavior starts ramping up or the child refuses to cooperate.

Countering the But!: Oh, man. The classic comeback. “But he started it”! “But I wasn’t” “But I want’. And my all time favorite, “But I’m trying to get a booger out of my nose”!

Are we sick of this yet, or what? There is always a “but” after you give your child a command or request. So here’s what you do:

Separate the child from the distraction.
Redirect the child to your request.
Provide prompts or cues to facilitate compliance.
Do not let their brains escalate.
As appropriate, dialogue with your child to make them feel heard and to provide problem-solving guidance.

Let’s elaborate. First off, whatever the kid is doing, it needs to stop. (Unless, of course, he’s picking his nose appropriately. Let him finish that one!) So separate the child from the source of the “but”. Step into his line of vision, put your hand over the electronic doodad, or turn him away from the person he’s screaming at.

Next, address the original problem. Use one of the power phrases to redirect him to your request, comment, or question. Give the child whatever cues or prompts are necessary to move him in a positive direction.

Sometimes they literally need you to say, “Stand up. Put one foot in front of the other. Start walking”. They either get too stubborn, or their brains just get stuck and need that push to move forward.

And speaking of brains, do NOT let their emotions escalate. Separation, redirection, and prompting will help with this. If it’s two kids going at it, separate the fighters and give them something to do. Point to each child and assign a task. “You go turn off the television”. “You go get a book and read”.

If one shoots back with, “But I don’t. . . ” then immediately interrupt. Stop them mid-thought with, “I didn’t ask how you felt/ what she said/what happened. I asked you to do X. Go do it”. Do not engage the “but” or you will train the kid that it’s okay to argue.

Afterward, get a dialogue going. Ask what happened. Let the kid explain, and don’t interrupt. Unless the story is an obvious lie or a ridiculous tale, let him vent. Next, let him know you hear and understand what he’s saying. So you’re saying Alec bonked you on the head because you wouldn’t change the channel?