child behavior modification

Create Promote Positive Child Behavior

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Create Promote Positive Child BehaviorReal child behavior modification comes about when you combine the  5 Discipline Basics with the ABC Parenting Guide.   Imagine a world where your child’s behavior issues are a thing of the past.

Create Promote Positive Child Behavior
Remember, you must:  

‘A’    set up the situation for success;  ‘B’  specifically define the behavior; and   ‘C’  pick your consequence of punishment  (P).    Avoid reinforcement   (R)   of unwanted behavior.

Assess what the behavior tells you about needs: why are they acting that way? What do they need? Do they need or want attention? Are they lacking guidance on how to act? Change your approach and reaction to effectively meet those needs.

It may seem like a monumental task to implement all of this, but really, what are you doing anyway?  Aren’t you already spending most of your time dealing with your child’s behavior?  Make the most of the time you already spend.  

Put it toward the Five Basics of structure, communication, limits, consistency, and guidance. Making your child secure and happy means you’ll have more time in the future.  You won’t be spending every other minute in warfare!

Sure, it will be daunting at first because they are used to certain reactions from you.  When you go and change the way you do things, it will throw them for a loop.  They’ll probably kick it up a few notches to make sure you know they mean business.  Fine.  Hold your ground, stay calm, and don’t give in.

Let’s say, for instance, you take your eight-year-old kid to the school book fair.  (Keep in mind, the unstated expectation is that you are going to purchase the books, which makes a big difference in this example.)  The child throws a fit because he wants the Turtle Ranger book written for a five-year-old, and you refuse to spend (way too much) money on a book he is clearly too old for.

 So ABC it.  You know the only reason he wants it is for the nifty lock and key it has – which you know he’ll forget all about in two days.  So your choices are:

P   =   don’t get the book, ignore the behavior, and leave.

R   =   talk about the behavior, get into a discussion about why he can’t act like that and tell him he can get the book if he pays for it (using his own earned money) the minute you walk home.

(P)  will punish, because the little stinker will figure out that you can’t pout, cry and stomp your foot to get what you want.  If the goal is to spend his own money to get what he wants, fine.  

Just set that expectation beforehand.  Do not give in with this compromise after his behavior turns sour.  That will reinforce the poor behavior because he gets what he wants in the end.

(R)  will reinforce, because even if the kid straightens up, the initial fit is what spurred you to cave in the first place. So what if he gets a lecture?  He got the book.  Mission accomplished.

No shocker, this example is totally true, and my own personal bad.  Headline reads: “Discipline Chic Mom Gets Run Over by Six-Year-Old at Book Fair!”  Yep.  I was an absolute push over.  As soon as my six-year-old started in with the water works, my first reaction was an embarrassed, silent, “Oh-my-gawd-this-is-SO-not-going-to-work-and-I-just-know-someone’s-looking-at-me-I’m-on-the-PTO-board-for-heaven’s-sake-so-she-can’t-do-this-to-me-in-front-of-these-women!”  I quickly followed the mental monologue with a verbal, “Don’t you dare start that behavior.  No ma’am.

 That is not how we get what we want.”  I then promptly started negotiating, “Listen, I refuse to use my own money for that book, but if you want it, you have to give me your stash of quarters just as soon as you get home.” Take that! Showed her!

Okay, so no Parent of the Year awards for me. However, in my defense, since I write books on discipline and immediately felt the swooping rush of Catholic guilt, I swore to do better and change my ways.  As luck would have it, another incident popped up only a week later and I held my ground.  

My daughter found a necklace she wanted and I never once swayed.  Nope.  No siree.  “My dear, after the fit you threw at the book fair, I am not inclined to get you that necklace.  And furthermore, you spent your last dime on that book you wanted so badly, so now you’re out of money.  You made a choice and now you have to live with it.”  The tears I expected never came, and she nodded her head with a resigned, “Okay.”

You know, I adore my kids. We all do. Sometimes it stinks to be consistent, give limits and provide those parental guidance lessons on the choices they make and the natural consequences. But if we don’t do it, they won’t learn how the world works.

And listen, it isn’t all unpleasant.  Here’s an ABC Guide that consistently reinforces GOOD behavior – which is what we want:

A = You ask Danny to take his dishes to the sink after dinner.

B = Danny politely takes the plate and brings it to the sink.

C = You reinforce and say, “Thanks so much, honey.  High Five!”

So to increase cooperation:

  • Get a routine
  • Teach your child how to communicate effectively
  • Provide guidance and limits
  • BE CONSISTENT

 

The 5 Discipline Basics to promote positive behavior:

  • Structure
  • Communication
  • Limits
  • Consistency
  • Guidance

Remember to:

Punish (P) bad behavior. (Again, P is NOT harsh).

Reinforce (R) good behavior only!

 

Best Tips for Dealing with Sibling Fights

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Dealing with Sibling Fights
Dealing with Sibling Fights
Dealing with Sibling Fights

We’ve actually been discussing siblings throughout – so rather than repeating the same information, let’s just recap.

Here’s how to parent siblings:

  • Separate the kids during fights.
  • Give each child a task and redirect to something else.
  • Use an energy-zapping session if necessary.  (See:  Anger Issues in Children.
  • When getting each side of the story, use power phrases (‘Not your turn’, ‘I didn’t ask’, ‘That’s not what I asked’, etc.) and make sure the kids don’t interrupt each other or you.
  • Guide siblings on how to act and what to say in each particular situation.  TELL and SHOW them how to act appropriately.
  • Guide kids on how to vent feelings appropriately.  Make it clear that the feelings are okay but they cannot use actions or words to insult or hurt others.  Use power actions to show them how: “When you’re feeling angry, tell me, Mom, I’m really angry right now and need a few minutes to calm down!”  (OR)  When your brother grabs your game pieces, you need to say, “John, that was rude.  When you do that I don’t feel like playing with you.”   Then make sure and guide John (the pestering sibling) on why he was wrong, how it made his brother feel, and what he should have said and done instead.  Then John needs to apologize and receive a consequence, if necessary.
  • Do not let their brains escalate. STOP the yelling by using power phrases and separation.
  • Make sure your children get plenty of rest, exercise, and activity.
  • Get rid of crappy food!  It makes kids act crappy.
  • Children must have chores and responsibilities.  A chore chart helps tremendously!  Follow it!
  • SCHEDULES are essential!  Define how much time each day the kids have for electronics, TV, play, homework, chores, etc. STICK to it!!

Any of the techniques in these articles can be applied and used with siblings, so have at it ready.

The most important aspect of sibling argument management is redirection during fights.  Separate the kids.  If you’re in the car, make them sit on their hands.  Then make one kid look out his nearest window and the other look out the opposite window.  They need to get their eyes, hands, and focus off of each other.

When not in the car, make them do something physical to zap that energy if needed: jumping jacks, laps around the yard, whatever.  When they are in smart-aleck mode, they may laugh or think it’s fun until they start hurting or get tired.  Then it’s not so fun anymore.  Do not back down.  This is where you make your point.  So don’t cave on me.

Give them positive direction and don’t let the argument slide because you’ve had a long day at work.  TELL them what to say and do in EACH particular situation.  If you don’t tell them, they won’t know!

Sibling Fights

Talk siblings through minor spats so they understand how to work it out.

Example:

Amy:  Hey, stop that!

Sara:  I wasn’t doing anything!

Amy:  Yes you were! You were messing with the thermostat and I just turned it down because it’s hot!

Adult: Hey. What’s going on?

Amy:  Sara just. . .(then Sara interrupts, and they start arguing)

Adult:  Anh!  Sarah, Amy, voices off. Amy, tell me what happened.

Amy: Sara?s trying to mess up the A/C.

Adult: Sara, is that true?

Sara: No, I didn’t do anything!

Adult: Were you touching the thermostat?

Sara: I didn’t think. . .

Adult: (interrupt) I didn’t ask what you were thinking.  I asked if you were touching the thermostat.  Yes or no?

Sara: Yes, but I was just. . . she has it set to seventy five, and it’s not supposed to be that low!

Adult: Okay, then.  If you were touching it, do you see why Amy thinks you were going to change the temperature?

Sara:  Yes.

Adult:  Okay.  Now turn the a/c off completely.  It’s nice outside, so we don’t even need it on.  Open some windows and turn on the fans.  And Amy, the next time you have a problem with what Sara is doing, use better communication.  Tell her, “I just lowered the temperature because I’m hot.”  And if Sara reminds you that it’s not supposed to be that low, don’t get defensive.  If you have a question about the rules, come ask me.

See?  Guide your children on how to resolve arguments. Don’t let the problem escalate. Provide instruction on how to handle each situation.  

 

Review: 

 Create calm authority.

Get kids focused on you and away from escalating behavior.

It’s important for kids to earn respect, earn their way, and earn the extras they want.

Giving too much leads to a difficult future for our children by creating a sense of entitlement, no skills, no character, no motivation, no work ethic, and no clue how to take care of themselves.

End sibling arguments and teach better communication skills.

 

The ABC Guide – B -Behavior

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The ABC Guide - B-Behavior
ABC Guide - B -Behavior
The ABC Guide – ‘B’-Behavior

ABC Guide – B -Behavior – Clearly define it!  Be specific.  Don’t just say, “She’s acting up.”  Break it down and tell me more.  How is she acting up?  Crying, sulking, yelling, slamming doors, arguing?  This lets you (and her) know exactly what behavior you want to change.

WHY: You also have to analyze why your child is acting unfavorably and customize the consequence.

ABC Guide – B -Behavior

Example 1: When volunteering in a first grade classroom I observed a substitute teacher playing a game with the kids. One of the kids was sitting on her desk and wouldn’t co-operate when the teacher asked her to sit in her chair. The reply was, “I can’t.  My binder is on my chair.”  The teacher finally tried the ‘ignore her’ route.

 In the meantime, since the kid realized she didn’t have to obey the teacher, she started lying across the desk, wiggling around and making noise.  So I wandered over, removed the binder from the chair and said, “bottom on the chair.”  The kid tried to ignore me, but I pulled the chair out, put my hand on her legs to cue her to move them off the desk and firmly but calmly held my ground.

 I repeated, “bottom on the chair.”  After ten seconds, she complied.

Mind you, this was not a kid I knew.  I was simply volunteering at my kid’s school on this particular day, so I wasn’t in my speech therapist costume.  I didn’t have a lick of authority with this child other than what I walked into the room with as ‘someone’s mommy.’  But she still listened.  Why?  Because her motivation was simply “I’m going to do what I want; apparently this teacher doesn’t care!”  So when I demonstrated that I DID care and insisted she sit, she did it.  End of story.

Example 2: I was in a therapy session with a first grade group of four.  One kid in particular kept popping all over the place, forcing me to cue him over and over, “Bottom on the chair, feet on the floor.”  When I asked a question like, “Name four fruits for me, John,”  he’d smirk and pipe back, “Uumm. . . strawberries and. . . pizza!”  The first go round I said, “John, look at me.  I’m not smiling.

 That’s not funny.”  Then I shifted my focus to the next kid.  The reason I did that was because I thought his motivation was attention.  I was right.  He stopped trying to be funny. However, when it was his turn to answer a question again, he was quiet.  So I had to reassess why.  I had already nixed the attention, so I moved on to another guess: comprehension.

 In order to ferret it out, I backed up my question and gave him cues to figure out the answer.  He got it right and smiled sincerely.

So overall, this kid was acting up because he didn’t actually know four fruits and had no idea how the heck to answer my question.  He covered it up by acting out and trying to be funny, but his motivation was also for attention. The other kids got positive attention with ‘nice answer’ or ‘gimmie five!’ John only knew how to get negative attention.  He didn’t know how to say, “I’m not sure”  or  “I need help.”

Figure out your ‘WHY’ my friend.  Then approach the behavior from different angles to tackle that motivation.

Don’t give into Immediate Gratification

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Immediate Gratification
Immediate Gratification
Immediate Gratification

Do not give in to immediate gratification. Our intent is to make our kids comfortable and happy, but we are actually making their future much, much harder.

My friends and I often discuss the “everyone gets the same” phenomenon that’s sweeping our communities.  In an effort to protect fragile self-esteems, every child must be recognized, everyone gets a trophy, and everyone wins. Please tell me how the heck it builds self-esteem when your child gets things she does not deserve!  

Immediate Gratification

That is not pouring concrete and letting it set, creating a strong foundation of self-worth, drive, and motivation. That is loading up a sundae with whipped cream.  And guess what?  Not only is it unhealthy, but it melts!!  It looks awfully high at first, but it lasts all of five minutes before turning to mushy goo.

My neighbor Cheryl is one of the most put-together, secure, and confident people I know.  She is always laughing, positive, and happy, but also very focused and strict, in an incredibly loving way.  Her daughter is in fifth grade and plays basketball.  During one game, her daughter decided to zone on her shoes instead of the game, gave no effort at all, and even stomped her foot when the ball was stolen from her.  After the game (which her team lost), the coach followed his tradition of giving each player a star pin: Best Effort, Best Running, Most Points, etc. Well, Cheryl had to bite a hole through her lip as her daughter got a star for Best Sportsmanship.

As soon as they got into the car after the game, Cheryl turned around and faced her child. “Do you really think you put forth any effort or sportsmanship during that game?  Do you think stomping your foot earns you that star?”  Her daughter didn’t even think hard before replying, “No ma’am.”  So Cheryl said, “Give me that star.  Next practice, you are returning it to Coach and telling him you didn’t earn it.”

Cheryl held her ground and consistency, making her daughter give it back at the next practice.  And did the Coach coo, “Oooh, it’s okay, honey, you’ll earn it next time”  Nope.  He backed Cheryl up and told her daughter, “You are right to give this back.  You didn’t earn it.”    

So get rid of the TV, the latest coveted war game, the trophies for simply showing up at a track meet, and any soppy attitude.  When you make your child earn what he wants, you are giving a tremendous gift.  

You create a strong, independent, driven person. I know we enjoy indulging our children, but we confuse this with love. It is not love. It’s harmful and doesn’t meet their needs.  I know you know it.  You can see it in their behavior.

Do the right thing.  Meet your children’s needs.  Teach real love, respect, and responsibility.  Give your child a true sense of self-esteem and self-worth.  There may be a few tears and pain now, but if you wait until they have to learn this on their own, the pain will be one hundred times greater.  For you and them.