behavior modification

The ABC Guide – C-Consequence

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The ABC Guide - C-Consequence

The ABC Guide - C-Consequence

ABC Guide – C-Consequence. What happens after the behavior? Consequences serve to either reinforce (R) or punish (P) the behavior. The event should be clearly defined; exactly what did you do after the behavior?

ABC Guide – C-Consequence

Example:

A = Antecedent:  You ask Ryan to shut the door. He goes over to the bookshelf instead.  You walk over, gently put your hand on his elbow, and guide him back to the door to shut it.

B = Behavior: Ryan tries to run from you.

C = Consequence: You can:

  • (‘R’ Reinforce) Give up, yell, spank or chase
  • (‘P’ Punish) Grab or block him, and provide physical prompts to shut the door.

Consequence #1 reinforces the running, an undesired behavior.  Bad!  When you reinforce, kids will continue the behavior.  If you give in and don’t make him shut that door, you clearly reinforce the running away from you.  The running will also be reinforced if you give it negative attention by yelling, spanking, or chasing.  Other forms of negative attention would include engaging the child in an argument, lecturing, or getting all mushy because the kid is crying (making you feel like a bad parent).  In all of these cases, Ryan could delay the task or wouldn’t have to close the door at all.  The behavior worked, and by golly, he’ll do it again.

So go the other route. Consequence #2 punishes the behavior and decreases the likelihood of recurrence because the child gets nothing out of it. When he attempts to run, yet you still make him do what is asked, guess what? The behavior doesn’t work for him.  He still has to shut the door.

We’re not going to chase that kid all over creation, but we’re damn sure going to grab him and make sure he goes back and does what we ask.  Calmly and silently herd him to a spot where he can’t get away.  Gently but firmly, physically make him go and close that door.  The more we chase, argue back, lecture, explain, or otherwise give the behavior attention, the more we’re reinforcing the nonsense and encouraging them to keep it up.  So we have to ‘punish’ the behavior and react differently.

This is a new way to look at what we caregivers think about as ‘punishment.’  For our purposes, punishment is not harsh, demeaning, or disrespectful.  It is simply a term to define a calm and peaceful reaction that decreases undesired behavior.

Consider it written in stone:

Reinforcement (R) = Increases behavior

Punishment (P) = Decreases behavior

Specific Behaviors, What to Do

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Specific Behaviors, What to Do

Specific BehaviorsSpecific Behaviors. When dealing with kids who constantly argue with you, here’s the thing:  they need more “No’s.”  They argue because you cave too much. Kids need gentle but firm “No’s.”  They obviously don’t know how to deal with not getting their way, so they need more practice!

This is not to say that you need to be a tyrant. I’ve seen this as well, and it’s dense thinking. The parent assumes he’s the big man on campus and bosses the kid around, arguing about everything.  The intent is to cow the kid and let them know who is boss.  This doesn’t create respect and harmony – it creates a parent that’s an ass.

Specific Behaviors

Creating Authority

You must have calm but firm authority.  No yelling and no getting frustrated – because that’s their goal!  Losing control most likely means you’ll give up. But as I’ve said, kids want to have limits and boundaries.

 It makes them feel safe.  So you have to change YOU.  You have to change the way you react to what they say and do.

Express gratitude and pleasure when your children do something right and completely change your reaction when they do something wrong.

Take a firm, authoritative, calm stance.

For example, as a substitute teacher, I don’t want to charge into the school and be a meanie.  But what if a kid is climbing on the lunch table? What are my choices?

“Oh, silly, you’re climbing on the table!” versus “Really?  Get down.”  The first is not going to work.  The second works without being harsh or disrespectful.

Don’t let this stuff slide and don’t ignore it because you don’t want to seem mean.  What’s mean about teaching kids manners and respect?  Stay calm, matter-of-fact, and authoritative.  “Bottom on the chair, feet on the floor.”  That’s all there is to it. Tap them on the leg with a physical cue if needed, but beyond that, the kid is getting their hunky butt off the table!  

It’s like pouring a glass of milk.  You don’t hesitate doing that, do you?  No!  You get your glass, open up the milk, and pour it in.  Assume an authoritative role and act like the decision is as easy as pouring milk.  They will get off the table and they will sit appropriately.  Period.  It’s not a big deal to stop acting like a monkey.  They can do it, and they will live!

 

Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors

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Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors
Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors
Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors

Once you have a handle on the techniques of ABC Parenting, behavior should turn around. However, sometimes you’ve got a kid with ingrained habits or irritating defiance and they need an extra push.  Much of this nonsense can stem from assertive personalities gone haywire.  Self-assured personalities are a good thing.  I love them in kids because they have some built-in drive to get things done.  So we don’t want to squash it.  We just want to guide them on appropriate outlets and negotiation.

Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors

Bossy

Bossy kids are our future leaders!  But they can’t lead by being bossy.  They can only tick people off and lose friends. Yikes!  Bossy kids need to get the dialogue thing going.  They need direction on how to get what they want in a more constructive manner.  So show them.

As a speech therapist, my most enjoyed specialty is social therapy with kids who have high level autism and Asperger’s.  They are super smart, so they can function in a regular classroom setting (although this can be a huge struggle until they mature to high school age).  They are socially very inappropriate and don’t understand what they do wrong and why they can’t make friends.  They have weird quirks, don’t read the social cues others give and take things very literally.  So I have to take each situation, break it down and delicately (yet literally) tell them exactly what it is they did that threw the other person off or made them think “Okay, that’s a weird person!”

Obviously, dealing with bossy personalities isn’t exactly the same, as you don’t have to be so specialized and break things down to the nth degree, but that’s actually the beauty of it.  You just have to pay attention to the situation and teach the bossy kid the following:

  • Exactly what he said that was bossy.
  • Why others think it’s bossy.
  • How it affects him when others think he’s bossy.
  • What he needs to say instead to get what he wants.

Kids are very egocentric. They want to understand how the bottom line affects them and only them. Turn things around so they understand. 

  • John makes a comment.
  • Others take it a certain way (think it’s rude).
  • Then others act a certain way (argue, walk away, or call John names).
  • That action ticks John off or makes him feel bad.

Now let’s make this more concrete.  Suppose John is building a rocket.  Addy is making the launch pad.  John says, “Not like that! Use the red paper!”  Addy snaps, “Whatever!” and stomps off.  Here’s what you say to John:

  • John, you told Addy, “Not like that!”  Then you told her what color to use.
  • Addy thought that was rude because she was doing it how she wanted.  That was her part of the project.
  • Addy snapped at you and walked off because she felt like you were ordering her around.  She doesn’t want to be with people who order her around during a fun project.
  • If you think the red would look better, you need to say, “Wow.  That blue looks great.  I think it might be even better with some red added in.  What do you think?”  And if she disagrees, respect it and move on.  People don’t have to agree or think the same way you do.

John needs to understand that his actions do come back around to him.  Sometimes kids don’t want to be nice for the sake of being nice.  Bah humbug to that!  But if you explain that his actions come back around to him and that he can approach things a different way to get positive results, it might make more of an impact.