Once you have a handle on the techniques of ABC Parenting, behavior should turn around. However, sometimes you’ve got a kid with ingrained habits or irritating defiance and they need an extra push. Much of this nonsense can stem from assertive personalities gone haywire. Self-assured personalities are a good thing. I love them in kids because they have some built-in drive to get things done. So we don’t want to squash it. We just want to guide them on appropriate outlets and negotiation.
Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors
Bossy
Bossy kids are our future leaders! But they can’t lead by being bossy. They can only tick people off and lose friends. Yikes! Bossy kids need to get the dialogue thing going. They need direction on how to get what they want in a more constructive manner. So show them.
As a speech therapist, my most enjoyed specialty is social therapy with kids who have high level autism and Asperger’s. They are super smart, so they can function in a regular classroom setting (although this can be a huge struggle until they mature to high school age). They are socially very inappropriate and don’t understand what they do wrong and why they can’t make friends. They have weird quirks, don’t read the social cues others give and take things very literally. So I have to take each situation, break it down and delicately (yet literally) tell them exactly what it is they did that threw the other person off or made them think “Okay, that’s a weird person!”
Obviously, dealing with bossy personalities isn’t exactly the same, as you don’t have to be so specialized and break things down to the nth degree, but that’s actually the beauty of it. You just have to pay attention to the situation and teach the bossy kid the following:
- Exactly what he said that was bossy.
- Why others think it’s bossy.
- How it affects him when others think he’s bossy.
- What he needs to say instead to get what he wants.
Kids are very egocentric. They want to understand how the bottom line affects them and only them. Turn things around so they understand.
- John makes a comment.
- Others take it a certain way (think it’s rude).
- Then others act a certain way (argue, walk away, or call John names).
- That action ticks John off or makes him feel bad.
Now let’s make this more concrete. Suppose John is building a rocket. Addy is making the launch pad. John says, “Not like that! Use the red paper!” Addy snaps, “Whatever!” and stomps off. Here’s what you say to John:
- John, you told Addy, “Not like that!” Then you told her what color to use.
- Addy thought that was rude because she was doing it how she wanted. That was her part of the project.
- Addy snapped at you and walked off because she felt like you were ordering her around. She doesn’t want to be with people who order her around during a fun project.
- If you think the red would look better, you need to say, “Wow. That blue looks great. I think it might be even better with some red added in. What do you think?” And if she disagrees, respect it and move on. People don’t have to agree or think the same way you do.
John needs to understand that his actions do come back around to him. Sometimes kids don’t want to be nice for the sake of being nice. Bah humbug to that! But if you explain that his actions come back around to him and that he can approach things a different way to get positive results, it might make more of an impact.