Examples of Power Phrases:
- I didn’t ask for a comment. I asked you to put away your backpack.
- That’s not what I asked. I asked if you finished your project.
- Not your turn. Let John finish talking.
- I need quiet feet, quiet mouths.
- (I need/want) hands to yourself.
- It’s not time to watch TV. It’s time for homework.
- Don’t worry about what she’s doing.
- She doesn’t have to stop singing. You have a choice to leave.
- It’s okay if he leaves his lunchbox there. It’s not hurting you.
- Did I say get out a game? What did I say? (Clean up.)
- You don’t need three pieces of pizza. Start with one.
- We do not feed the dog ‘people’ food. You may give her a dog treat.
- We do not say hurtful things to others and make them cry. (This one would get a severe consequence from me. Just saying. . .)
Power actions are specific actions you take to redirect, de-escalate the behavior and provide guidance on how to handle each situation. Power actions require more hands on work than power phrases, and are generally used when behavior starts ramping up or the child refuses to cooperate.
Countering the But!: Oh, man. The classic comeback. “But he started it”! “But I wasn’t” “But I want’. And my all time favorite, “But I’m trying to get a booger out of my nose”!
Are we sick of this yet, or what? There is always a “but” after you give your child a command or request. So here’s what you do:
- Separate the child from the distraction.
- Redirect the child to your request.
- Provide prompts or cues to facilitate compliance.
- Do not let their brains escalate.
- As appropriate, dialogue with your child to make them feel heard and to provide problem-solving guidance.
Let’s elaborate. First off, whatever the kid is doing, it needs to stop. (Unless, of course, he’s picking his nose appropriately. Let him finish that one!) So separate the child from the source of the “but”. Step into his line of vision, put your hand over the electronic doodad, or turn him away from the person he’s screaming at.
Next, address the original problem. Use one of the power phrases to redirect him to your request, comment, or question. Give the child whatever cues or prompts are necessary to move him in a positive direction.
Sometimes they literally need you to say, “Stand up. Put one foot in front of the other. Start walking”. They either get too stubborn, or their brains just get stuck and need that push to move forward.
And speaking of brains, do NOT let their emotions escalate. Separation, redirection, and prompting will help with this. If it’s two kids going at it, separate the fighters and give them something to do. Point to each child and assign a task. “You go turn off the television”. “You go get a book and read”.
If one shoots back with, “But I don’t. . . ” then immediately interrupt. Stop them mid-thought with, “I didn’t ask how you felt/ what she said/what happened. I asked you to do X. Go do it”. Do not engage the “but” or you will train the kid that it’s okay to argue.
Afterward, get a dialogue going. Ask what happened. Let the kid explain, and don’t interrupt. Unless the story is an obvious lie or a ridiculous tale, let him vent. Next, let him know you hear and understand what he’s saying. So you’re saying Alec bonked you on the head because you wouldn’t change the channel?