You have to let your kids express their feelings and guide them through upsets. Get a Dialogue Going, now I’m not talking about getting all mushy, here. But kids have to be able to tell you they’re mad and you have to be able to accept it. You may disagree so much that you think they’re on Pluto, but you have to talk them through it. “Look, I understand that you’re upset with me because I won’t let you go to your friend’s house.
But I’ve told you three times that your room needs to be cleaned, so you’ve had plenty of notice and plenty of time to do it. You’ve just chosen not to. That is your choice, but when it comes time to do something you want, you have to understand that your prior choices may get in the way.”
Explain your side calmly and logically. Just don’t hog the conversation, because this isn’t a lecture series starring Mom and Dad. This is a session of getting things on the table and working through choices your children make, actions they take, and what happens after. Listen to them as well. Let them talk, don’t interrupt and hear what they’re saying.
Part of it is that they just want you to understand their point of view. My friend Katherine has a stubborn streak and although she was a sweet child, she was sometimes defiant with her parents. She wasn’t trying to be a toot. She just wanted them to understand her point of view (and agree).
If you aren’t agreeing with your kids, they think you clearly don’t understand where they’re coming from and need persuading! Obviously this is an immature point of view, but they are immature! They’re supposed to feel this way. It’s your job to guide them through it, get them past the egocentric view and make them see the other side of the coin.
Another way to get a dialogue going is simply to explain situations to arguing kids. Sometimes they will quarrel and it takes your explanation to get their head wrapped around a different point of view. I find that children will often ask questions to clarify or understand the other child. Or they simply want to vent about the irritating behavior. Give honest, matter-of-fact answers and solutions.
Get a Dialogue Going
Here’s an ABC:
A = You’re driving in the car with your two children. Elizabeth is blabbering nonstop, irritating Anna.
B = Anna barks, “Stop yelling in my ear!” – Elizabeth shoots back, “I wasn’t yelling!”
C = You can:
- R = scold them both to hush OR
- P = Explain to Elizabeth, “Anna feels like you’re yelling in her ear. You need to use a quieter voice. ” And Anna, when you’re frustrated with Elizabeth, tell her, “My ears are sensitive today and I need some quiet. Could you please use a quieter voice?” “Now, both of you apologize.”
Review: What Did We Learn?
How to use task analysis to increase cooperation.
Five types of prompts and how to use them: Verbal, Modeling, Gesture, Physical, and Visual.
Six ways to increase trust, security, and control:
- Start with Respect
- No Yelling or Lectures
- Model Desirable Behaviors
- Provide Structure and Routine
- Repetition of Rules
- The Two Rules of Engagement
Don’t send kids to school with baggage.
Chores and expectations build character and independence.
Why having a dialogue is important.