Introduction – Page 3 – Internet Safety for Kids

Anger Issues in Children

adminkc Articles June 21, 2020January 22, 2021Anger Issues in Children

If the kid is going limp, shutting down, or firing up for battle, try something different. First, if you are acting mad, turn it off. Put on a positive, happy face so they don’t think they’re in trouble. Then make them do something physical to drain some energy: jumping jacks, kicking a soccer ball, doing sit-ups, or running laps around the yard. Say something like, “Okay, we need a break from this.

Let’s go outside and run for a bit.” Sometimes their brain gets stuck in “I’m-not-gonna-do-it” mode. So change course, redirect to something different than your original command, and zap some of their energy.

Afterward, go back to your original request. (Oops! You thought you were getting out of doing what I asked? Sorry Buck-o! That was just a diversion). Put on your grown up hat and make sure they do what you want. Set the table, make the bed, clean their room, apologize. . . whatever it is. They WILL do it!!

It actually helps your attitude when you know with absolute certainty that the kid will do what you ask. They can whine and gripe and complain all they want. So what? They are still going to do it. Knowing that, you can simply wait it out without getting exasperated.

There’s no “What do I do now?” There’s no guilt, no flip-flop, no “Should I give in, should I not give in?” Nothing. It can almost become funny because they’re flailing around, making a fuss, and totally wasting their time fighting and you know it. You can shake your head and smile at the big inside joke.

Anger Issues in Children

Now, worst case scenario: A kid absolutely refuses to cooperate, and you aren’t even able to redirect to a different task for a short diversion or energy-zapping session. So here’s what you do: wait it out. Stay calm and let them finish sulking or crying. They’ll eventually get tired. Then you can make them do what you asked.

Now, many times I’m under a time constraint. I can’t always hang out all day until they finish their anger tantrum or get bored of sitting there and decide to cooperate. In that case, I will make them do one small part of what I asked before I let them out from under my claw. I WILL take the time to make them do my smaller request.

For instance, in speech therapy, let’s say a child is throwing a fit because he wants to get back to class and get his snack. He’s ticked off at me because I’m not moving it along quick enough, so he starts knocking chairs around to make a point. I insist he push the chairs neatly back under the table before I let him go get his snack.

If I’ve got a meeting in five minutes and can’t wait him out, I will make darned sure that he pushes in at least two or three before I let him leave. (Believe it or not, this happens a lot in speech therapy because you see so many behavior issues with communication disorders.

In order to be the least bit effective in therapy, I have to maintain control over the student. Otherwise, therapy is a total waste of time. The child would figure out real quick that he can run all over me.)

For a regular old at-home scenario, suppose the request was putting away laundry. Your child has whined, fiddled and piddled, and now you’re out of time because you have to run to baseball practice. So make him fold at least two or three items before you go. No lectures, no repeating the request twelve times. Just sit there and wait. Baseball practice can stuff it. Call the coach and apologize ahead of time that you’ll be late. Then, when you get back from practice, Mister Put-Up-a-Fuss doesn’t do jack-diddly until the rest of the laundry is put away. No TV, no dinner, no games. It was his choice to be a toot and refuse to cooperate. He can live with the fact that he’s going to have to put away laundry regardless.

Don’t Send Kids to School with Baggage

adminkc Articles June 21, 2020January 22, 2021behavior chart, behavior issues, behavior problems

In the school system, you run into behavior problems. But when the system is on top of its game, the staff gets a behavior plan in place. Lots of meetings, paperwork, planning – all to ensure this kid is set up for success. Don’t Send Kids to School with Baggage.Then at the meeting with the parents, here’s what I see: parents calling their kid “stupid,” or jeering, “what’s the matter with you?” or telling the staff, “he’s not capable.”

Let’s back the truck up a moment here. Not capable? Of course he’s capable! The ones who are LESS capable are the parents. Some of these kids have diagnoses that are indicative of behavior issues. But with good teamwork and direction, it’s very manageable.

When you get the kids who are constantly in serious trouble and making horrible choices, it never fails that once you meet the parents, you realize, “Ooooh. Now I see the problem.”

Kids are a product of their environment. And (diagnosed behavioral issues aside) ninety nine percent of the time, parents are the ones making the problem. Not intentionally, of course, but they just don’t have the tools in their toolbox, or they are too caught up in themselves to notice that they’re screwing up the kid something major.

Do your part at home so you’re not sending kids to school who feel unloved, lack guidance and want boundaries and attention. It’s not solely the school system’s job to take care of it. School personnel are part of the team, yes, but it starts and ends at home.

Don’t Send Kids to School with Baggage

Chores and Expectations

Kids need chores and expectations. I constantly see moms of twelve-year-old kids still doing all the laundry, cleaning the bedroom, and scrubbing the bathroom. Are you nuts? Cut that out! You’re molding a royal attitude! Not good! I know the intention is honorable and you may have the time and desire, so no big deal, right?

Wrong! You are teaching your child that she doesn’t have to be responsible. She will eventually grow up and hit the big, bad world and all you’ve done is create an incapable human being.

Kids need to mow lawns, take out garbage, do dishes, wash laundry, keep their rooms clean, take care of the animals, make dinner – all of it. MAKE them do it!! Get a chore chart for who is responsible for what on what day. A chore chart makes life so much easier and cuts out the fights and accusations, “I did that yesterday! It’s your turn!”

I don’t know how many rounds we went through in our house over whose turn it was to feed the cat, clean the litter box, unload the dishwasher, and who already helped with laundry. It finally dawned on me that a chart with assignments would do wonders. And guess what? Not one fight since. Haaa! Miracles never cease.

Chores build character, increase independence, and reduce self-centered attitudes. Kids need jobs, responsibility, and a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Give it to them.

Dealing with Children’s Aggressive Behavior

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021ABC guide, aggression, aggressive behavior

Well, I can joke around about the whining, but dealing with children’s aggressive behavior is a different ball game. With aggression, it’s time to get serious.

If your child is acting aggressive, you must get back to the ABC basics. This behavior is not age appropriate and needs to stop. By the time they reach kindergarten, the tantrums, hitting, kicking, and attempts at aggression should absolutely be gone. In fact, I rarely see aggression in these kids unless it’s attached to a diagnosis of some sort, or it’s modeled in the home.

There may be the stray spoiled or immature (possibly born premature) child who will throw a fit or take a swing here and there, but whatever the reason, it should not be tolerated.

Dealing with Children’s Aggressive Behavior – ABC

ABC each situation and look at motivating factors. When the kid hits, he does NOT get what he wants. Period. End of story. Give him the opposite. Figure out what is going to (P) punish.

Look at how you are reinforcing the aggression and stop. The behavior is coming from somewhere and many times we have no earthly idea that we are reinforcing behavior we don’t want to see.

A woman recently wrote to me that her child was being aggressive on the school bus and the driver was threatening to kick her off. I told her that something was reinforcing the behavior. Someone had been letting her get away with this, and now it was out of control.

To address the behavior on the bus, she needed to first make sure she was totally on top of her child at home. That behavior does NOT get reinforced. Meaning, do NOT give her what she wants. She gets no attention, no talking, no feedback. Put her in a time-out if need be and make sure she gets no attention while she’s there.

Do not engage the behavior (“Honey, what’s wrong?” “Why are you kicking?” “Cut it out”). When you start a discussion with her on the behavior, you are engaging.

So don’t do it. She goes to time-out or to her room (unless that’s what she wants. . . in which case she does not get to go there), or you walk away.

If she’s throwing a fit and being aggressive because she doesn’t want to do something, then by golly, make sure she does it. If you give in at all and don’t make her do it, you reinforce the aggression. It works, and she’ll do it again. So when she’s finished with the tantrum, she still has to do the task. Period.

Just remember to let the kid calm down first. Most of the time, especially when children flip out and go into hyper-tantrum, we don’t let them finish and calm down on their own.

We get too busy going into lecture mode. Then we don’t go through with our consequence, we don’t make them complete the task that spurred the aggression, and we effectively reinforce the darn tantrum. It’s rather useless. So follow through with your consequences, and make sure the child does what was originally asked.

How to Discipline a Bossy Child

adminkc Common Behavior Problems April 21, 2020March 15, 2021Bossy Child

Bossy kids need firm limits on what is appropriate to fire off at others. The reason for the bossiness can be one of two things: First, they sometimes learn to be bossy from another person – a parent, friend, family member, whatever.

Bossy Child

If someone is modeling bossy behavior, they need to stop, or the kid needs to stop hanging around that person. They’re giving the kid unintended lessons. The child needs modeling and guidance on being flexible and positive instead.

The second reason for bossiness could be demanding behavior gone unchecked. I’ve seen perfectly loving parents let a strong personality run amok. The intention of the parent is to handle the demands in a calm and gentle way, but it somehow ends up making the parent into a doormat.

The child never gets real punishment (P in our guide), so the demanding behavior is reinforced, and the child starts bossing the parents around and consistently getting away with it. The end result is a child that seems very spoiled.

Whatever the reason for bossy behavior, address it! Make the kid cut it out! Make sure they do NOT get what they are being bossy about. If they’re bossing friends around and you see it, make sure to nip it immediately and give them the opposite of the demand.

For example, Jenny’s bossing her friend around and dictating, “Let’s play this board game now. You can be the red pawn.” As soon as you see that, step in. No ma’am. Your friend will choose the game, and your friend can be whatever pawn color she wants. We do not act bossy.

If you are the recipient of the behavior, great balls of fire, do not let that child get away with it! If she orders you to take her to her favorite restaurant for lunch, get some authority. Excuse me. We do not tell parents what to do. You need to apologize to me.

Wait for the child to apologize appropriately. If she doesn’t, model it for her and make her repeat after you. Next tell her, if you’d like to go to Sandwich Express, you can ask me politely next time. For now, if you’d like to eat, you can go in the kitchen and make yourself a ham sandwich with apple slices. You’ve lost the privilege of my help. I expect you to use appropriate language in the future.

And don’t let her stomp off with an impudent, ‘Fine’. Stop her and make her start over with a response. I’d even say, ‘Fine’ is not a respectful answer. You may answer me with ‘Yes, ma’am or Okay’. Make her repeat it without being sassy.

With younger children, bossiness will look more like demanding behavior. They’ll insist you buy them chocolate milk instead of white, or be persistently rude about a gift they got. “I didn’t want the white car, I wanted the blue one.” This doesn’t seem so bad, right? Wrong.

This is why it turns into bossy behavior. It may seem like they are only voicing a strong opinion, and it’s easy to let that slide. Don’t. Tell them that is rude and let them know what they need to say and do instead. When someone gets you a gift, you act grateful. Period.

It’s okay if you’re upset because it’s not the one you wanted, but we don’t say that out loud. You tell them “thank you so much” and you smile. Do you understand?

By the way, when using “Do you understand” make sure that you are actually sincere in your question, and not using it as a punctuation to your lecture. Kids need to feel like they can ask questions to clarify if they truly don’t understand.

However, if you use those questions simply as a means to make it clear that it’s your way or the highway, you close the door to communication. This can translate into a sulking, uncooperative child. Obviously, you need to stay firm when guiding your child, but find that balance of firm authority without sounding overly dictating.

Parenting Plan for a Stubborn Child

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021Plan for a Stubborn Child

Stubborn Child

According to her, there are definitely not sixty minutes in one hour, her teacher absolutely has a pet alligator, and leprechauns made a mess in her classroom, they most surely did. I look at my husband in amazement and question, ‘Do I do that’? ‘I don’t do that, do I’? (I won’t comment on his reply.)

My neighbor Cheryl has a stubborn streak, often cracking me up. Her daughter, Lacy, once decided not to do the dishes, and when asked why, Lacy honestly replied, ‘I didn’t feel like it’.

Cheryl gave a wide eyed, Hhmm…., but didn’t punish Lacy. The next day after school, I happened to be in the office and noticed Lacy waiting on a chair. Apparently, Cheryl hadn’t picked her up in carpool as she normally did.

We live in a great neighborhood so I knew Lacy would be safe at school, but it was very uncharacteristic of Cheryl. So I frantically texted her, “Are you okay? Do you need me to take Lacy home?” She texted back, “Oh no. I’m just teaching her a lesson.” Twenty minutes later, Cheryl strolled into the office. When Lacy asked, “Why didn’t you pick me up on time? I’ve been waiting in the office forever!” Cheryl casually shrugged and said, “Well, I didn’t feel like it.” I caught Cheryl later and laughed. Oh my gosh, you stinker! What a great lesson! She replied, “Oh, not really. I’m just stubborn!”

Stubborn personalities can end up being very independent and creative, so you don’t want to squash it completely. Many times it is simply a matter of pointing out the behavior to the kid to teach them better communication:

When I ask you nicely to put your hair up for school and you refuse and start crying, that is being stubborn. We can discuss why you don’t want your hair up, but stomping your foot or crying is not going to make me want to hear your reasons.
Once you figure out her concerns, if they are legitimate, guide her on what to say instead. For example, “Mom, those hair bands hurt my head.”
If it’s a silly, I-just-want-it-that-way-because-I-want-it reason, then she probably needs some firmer limits. For some reason she’s getting the idea that life revolves around her and her wants. (Hhmmm. . . wonder where she got that idea?)
To set those limits, offer her a choice of two alternatives. Example: The kid is walking out the door to the park, but needs her rat-nest hair brushed. She resists and starts crying. You say, “Go get your brush so I can help you brush your hair.” She gives you a stubborn, ‘Uummnh’ with a frowny face. So you say, “You can get the brush now so I can help you, or you can stay home from the park while we brush your hair. Your choice.” (Word of warning: make sure you offer two choices you can live with or be darn sure you know which one she’ll pick.)

How to Handle a Child Temper Tantrum

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021Child Temper Tantrums, tantrum, temper tantrum

Speaking of time-out. . . Seriously, friends. A time-out? I hate to even write about time-outs for this age group. But they are still needed with severe behaviors,(Child Temper Tantrum) mainly for the kinder and first graders. However, these time-outs do not look the same as a time-out for toddlers. Sure, the child needs to be separated from the source of melee. But at this age, just tell him to go sit by himself, away from anything fun. Give him time to calm down, and when he decides he can act appropriately, ABC the behavior.

Child Temper Tantrum

Kinder kiddies are still a bit shaky on some of the finer points of appropriate versus inappropriate behavior, so they need more clear cut guidance on the basics. But other than that, choose a consequence and punish.

Make sure you assess needs. Don’t expect a time-out alone to fix the behavior. Think about the Five Basics discussed . It’s possible the child needs more modeling and guidance on how to act appropriately in that particular situation in addition to a timeout to diffuse the anger and aggravation.

As I said, sticking a child in a timeout and expecting that alone to fix the problem is like cooking only one side of a pancake and expecting it to taste good.

Needs

As a quick review, here are some basic needs that kids have, which may explain their reasons for acting out:

They want attention.
They want to be left alone.
They are unable to communicate what they want.
They want a particular object, action, person, or activity.
They don’t want a particular object, action, person, or activity.
They are tired, hungry, or over-stimulated.
They want sensory stimulation (a particular action feels good).
Big change in life: new home, new baby, family death, divorce, parent out of town, etc.
They feel insecure or out of control (emotional needs).
They are uncomfortable, sick, or hurting.
They have difficulty with transitions from one activity to the next.

Real Needs vs. Spoiled Behavior: Do not get NEEDS confused with Spoiled Behavior. There is a difference. Needs are legitimate. A child could legitimately want to see her father more because he travels. That is a need for parental attention.

Or she could legitimately not want to spend time with an unkind family member, or not want to get teeth pulled. Spoiled behavior is throwing a fit because she wants a toy or game, or does not want to do her laundry.

When considering real needs, keep in mind that kids still get overloaded, even in grade school. Go easy on the stimulus, and make sure those needs are met. When trying to decrease unwanted tantrums or aggression, you meet needs, figure out the root of the problem, and do NOT reinforce the behavior.

Yea!

Well, we’ve done it again. We’ve tackled the ins and outs of problem behavior, and we’re ready to rock ‘n’ roll. This has been a lot to take in. It differs quite a bit from toddler discipline, as it is less physical and more mental. You have to be up on those psychological sparring skills!

The simple act of trying to find a solution to your behavioral concerns is a terrific indicator of your parental awesomeness (I think I just made that word up). I know you can do this, and remember, I’m right there with you. Hugs!

Review: What did we learn?

How to decrease bossy behavior.

How to communicate with egocentric natures and encourage appropriate behavior.

How to deal with stubborn personalities.

How to curb whiny behavior.

How to deal with aggressive behavior:

ABC it.
Do not reinforce the behavior.
Look at motivating factors.
Allow time to calm down.
Follow through; make the child do what was originally asked.

What Time-Outs look like for school-aged kids.

A quick review of needs kids have and reasons for acting out.

How to differentiate real needs versus spoiled behavior.

Did I Say?

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 31, 2021Did I Say?

“Did I say”? “What did I say”? When you ask, “Did I say. . .” it cues the kid’s attention. Then you ask the second question: “What did I say”? (or something similar) to redirect. Making a child recall and repeat gets them focused on the original direction. Many times they don’t mean to disobey you, but simply weren’t paying attention or forgot your instruction. This power phrase reminds them of your rules.

Did I Say

Here are examples, along with variants:

“Did I say to buy juice for lunch”? “What did I say”? (Milk only.)
“Did I say to tap your pencil”? “What did I say”? (Quiet pencil.)
“Did I say feet go on the chair”? “Where do your feet go”? (On the floor.)
“Are those inside voices”? “What do inside voices sound like”?

Be careful with the “Did I say”? “What did I say”? power phrase. You cannot use these questions with kids who are consistently defiant, in the habit of back talk, or shoot back wrong answers for negative attention. These phrases should strictly be used with kids who have a sense of boundaries and can redirect with relative ease.

You don’t need: This power phrase keeps kids from interjecting, bothering, or getting in another’s business. Examples:

You don’t need to answer his question. He can do it himself.
You don’t need to tell him how to zip his bag. He knows how.
You don’t need to take her card and put it down (in a discard pile during a game). She’s perfectly capable of doing that all by herself.
You don’t need to see his work. Worry about your own.

We do not: If you’ve read my toddler blog, then you know this phrase should be burned into your head! It doesn’t stop with toddlers! We must constantly let kids know what is acceptable and what is not.

If you don’t tell them, they won’t know!! “We do not hit others”. “We do not throw food.” “We do not talk back”. “We do not call people names.” “We do not touch other people’s things”. This goes on forever.

You may/can: If possible, follow up “we do not'” with what you want to see instead. “We do not yell out the car window. You can talk to your friend when we get back home”. Or, “We do not shoot spit wads. Use your straw to drink”.

It gets to be a major drag if all you do is say, “We do not” all the time. So give an alternative acceptable behavior. This will direct behavior to what you WANT to see and keep you from sounding negative all the time.

Power Phrases – Examples

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 31, 2021Power Phrases

Examples of Power Phrases:

I didn’t ask for a comment. I asked you to put away your backpack.
That’s not what I asked. I asked if you finished your project.
Not your turn. Let John finish talking.
I need quiet feet, quiet mouths.
(I need/want) hands to yourself.
It’s not time to watch TV. It’s time for homework.
Don’t worry about what she’s doing.
She doesn’t have to stop singing. You have a choice to leave.
It’s okay if he leaves his lunchbox there. It’s not hurting you.
Did I say get out a game? What did I say? (Clean up.)
You don’t need three pieces of pizza. Start with one.
We do not feed the dog ‘people’ food. You may give her a dog treat.
We do not say hurtful things to others and make them cry. (This one would get a severe consequence from me. Just saying. . .)

Power actions are specific actions you take to redirect, de-escalate the behavior and provide guidance on how to handle each situation. Power actions require more hands on work than power phrases, and are generally used when behavior starts ramping up or the child refuses to cooperate.

Countering the But!: Oh, man. The classic comeback. “But he started it”! “But I wasn’t” “But I want’. And my all time favorite, “But I’m trying to get a booger out of my nose”!

Are we sick of this yet, or what? There is always a “but” after you give your child a command or request. So here’s what you do:

Separate the child from the distraction.
Redirect the child to your request.
Provide prompts or cues to facilitate compliance.
Do not let their brains escalate.
As appropriate, dialogue with your child to make them feel heard and to provide problem-solving guidance.

Let’s elaborate. First off, whatever the kid is doing, it needs to stop. (Unless, of course, he’s picking his nose appropriately. Let him finish that one!) So separate the child from the source of the “but”. Step into his line of vision, put your hand over the electronic doodad, or turn him away from the person he’s screaming at.

Next, address the original problem. Use one of the power phrases to redirect him to your request, comment, or question. Give the child whatever cues or prompts are necessary to move him in a positive direction.

Sometimes they literally need you to say, “Stand up. Put one foot in front of the other. Start walking”. They either get too stubborn, or their brains just get stuck and need that push to move forward.

And speaking of brains, do NOT let their emotions escalate. Separation, redirection, and prompting will help with this. If it’s two kids going at it, separate the fighters and give them something to do. Point to each child and assign a task. “You go turn off the television”. “You go get a book and read”.

If one shoots back with, “But I don’t. . . ” then immediately interrupt. Stop them mid-thought with, “I didn’t ask how you felt/ what she said/what happened. I asked you to do X. Go do it”. Do not engage the “but” or you will train the kid that it’s okay to argue.

Afterward, get a dialogue going. Ask what happened. Let the kid explain, and don’t interrupt. Unless the story is an obvious lie or a ridiculous tale, let him vent. Next, let him know you hear and understand what he’s saying. So you’re saying Alec bonked you on the head because you wouldn’t change the channel?

I need – I Want

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 22, 2021I need – I Want

I Need-I Want: The power phrases “I need” and “I want” will help you provide guidance. Tell the kid exactly how you want him to act. You don’t necessarily have to put “I need” or “I want” in front of it, but keep it in your brain because it helps you focus on the action you want to see. Examples:

(I need) bottom on the chair, feet on the floor.
(I need) quiet feet, quiet mouth, hands to yourself.
(I want) eyes on me.
(I want you to) put the game controller down and get your shoes on because it’s time to go.

It’s not time to: Use this power phrase to redirect an action and help with transitions. I use this frequently with transitions for younger kids. “It’s not time to play with the snake; it’s time to go back to class”.

Or if you’re running late and the child is focused on fixing his broken army man, you say, “it’s not time to fix your army guy, it’s time to go to school. We can work on that first thing when we get home”.

Or if the kid has her nose buried in a handheld game, you say, “it’s not time to play your game. It’s time to eat dinner”.

This is where I jump up and down about a schedule and chore chart. There needs to be certain times of day set aside for electronics, television, homework, play – all of it. You and I both know he’ll keep his head buried in video games all freaking day if you don’t limit the use.

Set one hour a day (the same time everyday!!!) for your child to do the electronic stuff. Don’t wimp out about the consistency and discipline. He WILL stop playing when time is up. Otherwise, I guarantee there will be fights over “You never let me play!” or “I’m just about to finish level ten – don’t mess me up” or “I promise I’ll do my homework later”!

With a set schedule, the kid knows exactly what to expect. It puts limits on demands, gives him responsibility, teaches organization and prioritizing skills, and gets him out of that electronic funk!

There is definite value to the hand-eye coordination and strategy skills honed by games, but there is more to life than that!! If you have a kid that resists transitions and fights you on anything he doesn’t want to do, SET UP A SCHEDULE AND CHORE CHART!!! You probably need it even more than he does! Get with it.

When you have a schedule, it’s super easy to say, “it’s not time to,” without arguments. The child knows the routine, knows what to expect, and knows you will be consistent.

Don’t worry about it: Ooooh, mercy. Kids are always getting their undies in a bunch about what other kids are doing. “He’s looking at my cards!” “She’s not standing in line.” “He’s supposed to be doing math, not reading a comic.” It gives me a headache just thinking about it. And my pet answer: “Don’t worry about what he’s doing” or simply, “Don’t worry about it.” Cut off the concern and don’t engage the comment.

If it’s something that needs to be addressed, pull the other kid aside later, but don’t dive head first into the busybody, I-don’t-like-what-he’s-doing game. Who the heck has time?

He/She doesn’t have to: This power phrase is a constant for me.

“She’s not playing with me!”
“She won’t share!” Well guess what.
“She doesn’t have to!!”

Life isn’t all about you and your wants. Give it a rest. So I’m constantly explaining, “She doesn’t have to play dolls with you”. “She’d like some alone time and you need to respect that.” This one is especially important with siblings because they need to learn how to respect each other. “Yes, you don’t like it when sibs don’t want to do what you want to do, but that’s life! Get used to it!”

Just remember to provide parental guidance and flip it around for the upset kid. Explain, “remember yesterday when Julie was bothering you to play? You wanted some time to do your puzzles, right? Would you have wanted me to make you stop and go play with her?”

Get that dialogue going and get them to see another point of view. Turn it around so they understand how it would affect them if the tables were turned. They can abstract, but you still have to give constant examples so they can piece it together and learn.

It’s okay if: This power phrase is similar to “don’t worry about it?” and “he doesn’t have to.” Use it when you want to provide a better explanation. “It’s okay if she likes pineapple on her pizza. We don’t need to make fun of it.” Or, “It’s okay if he needs scrap paper to work out his math problem.” Or, for younger kids, “It’s okay if he pours sand on the grass. He’s a guest, and it won’t hurt anything.”

Power Action Examples

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020February 23, 2021Power Action Examples

Power Action Examples

Example #1:

Kid: “But she’s annoying me!”

Caregiver: “Well, what are your choices? You can say to her, please stop kicking my chair; it’s annoying.? Or you can walk away. Which do you think is better?”

Power Action Examples

Example #2:

A child is eating lunch, and you tell him it’s time to clean up. He forcefully yells, “But I can’t carry this all by myself!!”

You guide him: “Then you say – I need some help, please.”

The kid repeats: “I need help, please.”

Praise the child by saying: “That’s great asking. Of course I’ll help.”

Blocking: Blocking is a very powerful tool for your toolbox. Sometimes kids get fixated on what they want to do and, for the life of them, can’t get their brains headed in a different direction. So you put your body in front of them and block the action. You don’t grab, you don’t talk, and you don’t get ticked off. You simply use your body as a deterrent.

Example #1:

An obsessive compulsive child fixates on turning off the lights when he leaves the classroom. You turn the lights back on. He rushes back to turn them off again. Use your body to block the light switch.

Example #2:

Your kid is dead set on a snack cake for an afternoon nibble. You say no. She doesn’t like your answer and goes to the cabinet to get a snack cake. Step in front of the cabinet and block her. Put your arms out to the side if necessary. Don’t let her reach around you. This is not a game, this is not a lecture, and you need to keep your emotions in a bottle .

Stay silent and block. (And by the way, if your kid is this obstinate about something as benign as a snack cake, we need to have a serious talk! Get some control and respect back in that house, my friend. Now.)

Example #3:

After speech therapy, my kids are allowed a single stamp on their hands. One child insists on three and rushes in to get them. So I quickly take the ink and stamps, put them behind me, and block. In this case, it‘s usually as simple as that, and the kid straightens up quick.

Kids only do this because they’ve gotten away with the behavior before. A teacher or parent says one thing, the kid wants to do another, so they do it quick as lightening before the adult has time to stop them.

For this example, you might think, it’s a stamp. . . so what? But it is a big deal. The child is running you over to do what they want. To heck with your rules! I’m gonna do it anyway!

We cannot let kids call the shots like that. It leads to other, more aggressive behavior. First they want the stamp. Then they want potato chips for dinner. Then they walk off and ignore you when you try to discipline. Then they throw a fit because you won’t buy them something.

It wears you down and one day you wake up in tears with a hateful, defiant child living with you and think, “What on earth happened?” So stop it at the stamp!

Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors

adminkc Articles April 21, 2020January 25, 2021behavior modification, bossy, Bossy Kids

Once you have a handle on the techniques of ABC Parenting, behavior should turn around. However, sometimes you’ve got a kid with ingrained habits or irritating defiance and they need an extra push. Much of this nonsense can stem from assertive personalities gone haywire. Self-assured personalities are a good thing. I love them in kids because they have some built-in drive to get things done. So we don’t want to squash it. We just want to guide them on appropriate outlets and negotiation.

Intense Personalities and Severe Behaviors

Bossy

Bossy kids are our future leaders! But they can’t lead by being bossy. They can only tick people off and lose friends. Yikes! Bossy kids need to get the dialogue thing going. They need direction on how to get what they want in a more constructive manner. So show them.

As a speech therapist, my most enjoyed specialty is social therapy with kids who have high level autism and Asperger’s. They are super smart, so they can function in a regular classroom setting (although this can be a huge struggle until they mature to high school age). They are socially very inappropriate and don’t understand what they do wrong and why they can’t make friends. They have weird quirks, don’t read the social cues others give and take things very literally. So I have to take each situation, break it down and delicately (yet literally) tell them exactly what it is they did that threw the other person off or made them think “Okay, that’s a weird person!”

Obviously, dealing with bossy personalities isn’t exactly the same, as you don’t have to be so specialized and break things down to the nth degree, but that’s actually the beauty of it. You just have to pay attention to the situation and teach the bossy kid the following:

Exactly what he said that was bossy.
Why others think it’s bossy.
How it affects him when others think he’s bossy.
What he needs to say instead to get what he wants.

Kids are very egocentric. They want to understand how the bottom line affects them and only them. Turn things around so they understand.

John makes a comment.
Others take it a certain way (think it’s rude).
Then others act a certain way (argue, walk away, or call John names).
That action ticks John off or makes him feel bad.

Now let’s make this more concrete. Suppose John is building a rocket. Addy is making the launch pad. John says, “Not like that! Use the red paper!” Addy snaps, “Whatever!” and stomps off. Here’s what you say to John:

John, you told Addy, “Not like that!” Then you told her what color to use.
Addy thought that was rude because she was doing it how she wanted. That was her part of the project.
Addy snapped at you and walked off because she felt like you were ordering her around. She doesn’t want to be with people who order her around during a fun project.
If you think the red would look better, you need to say, “Wow. That blue looks great. I think it might be even better with some red added in. What do you think?” And if she disagrees, respect it and move on. People don’t have to agree or think the same way you do.

John needs to understand that his actions do come back around to him. Sometimes kids don’t want to be nice for the sake of being nice. Bah humbug to that! But if you explain that his actions come back around to him and that he can approach things a different way to get positive results, it might make more of an impact.