parental guidance

Effective Discipline that Works

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Effective Discipline that Works

Effective Discipline that Works

The Five Discipline Basics:

.  Structure

.  Communication

.   Limits

.   Consistency

.   Guidance

Effective Discipline that Works. Having discussed the 5 Discipline Basics 1 through to 5 – now let’s look at some examples using the Five Discipline Basics to provide your child with effective parental guidance.

You ask your kid to do his homework and he hollers, “Not now, I’m watching a show!”  So you go over, flip the TV off and start yelling. “That’s it!  I’ve asked you five times to do your homework and you’ve always got an excuse!  You’re grounded from TV and you’d better get your butt in there and do your homework NOW!”

Do you seriously think this is going to make him feel cooperative?  No way.  He’s going to be super aggravated and sulk for the rest of night.  You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t start World War III.

Effective Discipline that Works

GOOD Example #1

Giving Limits, Communicate, Consistency, Guidance, and Structure:

You give your kid a five minute warning that the TV will be turned off and he’ll have to start his homework.  If he argues, just repeat, “Five minutes.”  Walk away.  In five minutes, calmly walk over and tell him, “Five minutes is up. Time to do your homework.”  When the arguing starts, hold out your hand for the remote.  Don’t talk.

 If he refuses to give it to you, then you go over and manually turn off the TV.  Stand in front of him and BE FIRM.  Calmly hold your ground.  Don’t say a word other than, “Homework.”  He will fuss and cry and roll all over the couch, but you stand there until you wear him down and he gets tired of the routine.

If he keeps trying to turn the TV on with the remote, you can either calmly work the remote out of his hands (without making it a wrestling match), or go over and unplug the TV.  Whatever.  Just don’t talk and don’t start playing the argument game.  He’s keeping it up because you usually cave or start engaging the behavior.  

Once he figures out that you aren’t doing that anymore, he’ll pitch a holy fit, but eventually give up.  It’s your job to hold out longer than he can keep it up.  And the more consistent you are, the less he’ll pull that nonsense.

Also, keep in mind that if you have a chart with chores, expectations and a set time each day to watch TV, this baloney shouldn’t even be an issue.  If you ban the TV until all chores and homework are complete and set a specific time limit on how long he can watch TV, there’s no fighting for the remote.

 He can cough it up or lose the TV (or phone, or games, or ALL of it) altogether.  Earning it back will take a lot more effort, and he’ll figure that out soon enough (as long as you make earning it back a big pain in the butt – which is highly recommended!).

BAD  Example #2:

You’re in an argument with your eleven-year-old and she’s so mad that she starts crying.  You start in with, “Oh my gosh, don’t start that business again!  I swear, you cry too much.  Cut it out and pull it together!”  She yells back, “But you never let me wear lip gloss!  All my friends are wearing lip gloss and you just want to be mean!”  You engage and lecture back, “You’re too young to wear that stuff!  No way!  I don’t care what your friends are doing!”

GOOD  Example #2

Giving Communication, Limits, Consistency, Structure and Guidance:

First off, we aren’t arguing.  There is no arguing with kids.  Period.  We are the big people and we don’t engage. Engaging reinforces the behavior.  Is your kid still going to get mad at you when you don’t let her wear makeup? Sure.

 But you’ve calmly held your ground and done the right thing.  She can get mad all she wants – it’s developmentally appropriate.  Kids have to go through the stages of working it out when they’re mad.  And this is when you guide her on what to do and say.  

Here’s what you tell her:     “When you get this upset, tell me, “Mom, I’m really mad right now and need a few minutes to calm down.”  Then you can go to your room, quietly close the door and do what you need to calm down.”

You tell her exactly what to say and how to act in that particular situation.  Suggest writing in a journal to get her feelings out, hugging her favorite stuffed bear, or getting caught up in a blog.  GUIDE her on how to act and what to do.  

And whatever you do, do not give in to the lip gloss, even if she does exactly what you suggested.  If she throws a fit, you cannot give her what she originally wanted, even if she straightens up.  Giving in will reinforce the negative behavior.  Be consistent and hold to your limits – if you want to see your kids common behavior problems a thing of the past.

 

Discipline Basics (Structure & Communication)

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Discipline Basics (Structure & Communication)

Discipline Basics (Structure & Communication)

Discipline Basics (Structure & Communication). Let’s discuss some very basic foundations to get discipline going in the right direction.  If you don’t start out with good ingredients, your end result is going to be crappy.  Have you ever walked into a grocery store and wandered past the pies?

Discipline Basics (Structure & Communication)

They look like so-so generic pies – not incredibly motivating, so you say, “Eh. I’ll pass.” Yet you can walk into a fancy pie shop and feel like diving head first into that luscious apple-filled beauty.  “Whoa! That looks awesome!”  What’s the difference?  It’s still just pie, right? Well, yes, it is. But the grocery store pie is slapped together, bland, and boring.

The pastry shop pie is piled high, gorgeous, and assembled with care.  It’s successful – everyone wants to eat it.  Discipline is the same. You have to take care in your ingredients and how you put it together.

All children need:  

The Five Discipline Basics: Structure, Communication, Limits, Consistency & Guidance.

1. Structure is a schedule or a predictable routine. Structure gives kids security. As they age, flexibility is easier.

I always harp on toddlers having a super structured routine, but even as kids get older and hit school, they STILL need that routine.  When you do the same things every day, at the same time, they feel a sense of order and control. Think about the routine at school: same activities, same time, every day. The kids know what to expect, and they cooperate.

You cannot run your children all over creation with after-school activities and constant baseball or football games on weekends.  You cannot keep them up late one night and go to bed early the next.  It’s too much.  You must be consistent.

 I know life gets in the way sometimes, but you have to try your best.  Keep it simple and keep it the same. School pick up, snack, homework or play, dinner at the same time every night, bed at eight.  Kids need their sleep!! They may tell you otherwise, but they’re full of it, and you know it.  So make them go to bed!

If you do not give your child a consistent routine, do not expect them to act well-behaved. Some kids are more agreeable than others, but for the love of Pete, do not drag them all over creation or get lazy with bedtime. I will have no sympathy when you get all confused and angry because they’re acting like tyrants.  RESPECT a routine.

2. Communication is mind blowing important!

Without communication, you’re hosed.  It’s very easy to get caught up in work or whatever else you’re doing and ignore the kids until they act up.  But here’s the thing:  you have to show them your interest, show them how to communicate effectively (that means no yelling) and show them that you care.  You may feel it, but you have to show it, too.

 Stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and listen. You expect them to do that when you’re talking, right?  Well, set the example.  If you’re too caught up in your own problems and let this go until they’re old enough to figure out that you don’t really give a darn, then you’re up a creek.  Just try and undo that.  Go ahead.  The most communication you’ll get is a slammed door in your face.

  • Communicate respectfully and effectively using age-appropriate words they can understand. “You may get on the computer after you’ve finished your homework and I’ve checked it for errors.  After you correct any errors, you can play your game for thirty minutes.”
  • Your child must have instruction on how to communicate needs, feeling, thoughts and anger with you – teach them!  “We do not whine when we’re having trouble with homework.  Instead, tell me, “I’m frustrated and could really use some help because I don’t understand this question.”
  • You must listen when they talk!  Hear what they’re saying.  “Let me make sure I understand.  You feel like every time you sit down to play a video game, I tell you to clean something up.  Is that right?”  From there you logically list out the last few times he’s played his video game and go through what he believes you nagged him to do each time. Write it all down if necessary. He may or may not have a point. If he does, make sure you concede.  Demonstrate how to apologize and work on a compromise.

Kids need a set time each day, with a specific time limit, when they can play games or watch TV uninterrupted.  This pulls in clear communication and structure to reduce arguments.  Write your expectations down and stick to it.  Get a chart together (see the chart index or visit www.TigerTamerCharts.com for ideas and charts). The best route is to start using a chore chart.  For example, when daily chores and homework are finished and marked off by five o’clock, they can have 5:30-6:15 for TV or games.  

Just make sure to set the expectation that chores and homework must be completed first and do NOT give in to pleas of, “I promise I’ll do it right after!”  No way, Charlie.  When you set the expectation and make the effort to write it all down and ensure communication, everyone is going to follow it!  That’s the whole point!  Believe me, over time, kids will appreciate your consistency – it makes them feel secure and happy.